Lyme Files: Suicide

Suicide is something everyone has probably thought about at least once in their life. Not in completely serious terms. But I firmly believe everyone in the world had thought about doing it and most probably view it as not really the best choice.

But sometimes it is.

Chronic Pain & Depression
People who deal with chronic pain are more likely to commit suicide than almost any other population. The statistics are there - but people with chronic pain are most likely to also be considered depressed and. . .then it's all just tagging stuff. Did you kill yourself because you "felt bad on the inside" or because "you felt bad on the inside". . .?

It is estimated that 90% of people in the US committee suicide because they are depressed.

Trust me, you don't have to be in pain that many days before you start to feel "bad" about it. I was irritable and depressed. Because my life was irritable and depressing. But, I wouldn't kill myself because I felt sad. I would have committed suicide because while I have no idea what happens after you die, it would be a risk I was willing to take to not be where I was anymore.

Reactions
People aren't good at dealing with the concept of suicide or euthanasia. The few times I mentioned it in a real conversation, there was a lot of talk about love and even religion and fighting and holding on.

That misses a lot of the point.

Holding on for what? People with tick-borne illnesses aren't holding on to get dropped off in a world of good health. They are struggling to just be heard while their minds and bodies are being eaten by infection and toxins.

There are places chronic and invisible illnesses - infections deemed "impossible" or "non-existant" - that will take you where you have a lot of proof that you will never live a normal life and you will never have a quality of life.

People with tick-borne illnesses and even other chronic illnesses go through a lot of strange options: first options can be moving from mainstream medical into alternative medical. Then maybe to another country for treatments not offered in your country. Then fighting the stigma of being "that person" or the "frequent flyer" in an ER.

All the while, everything is slowly breaking down and shutting down.

There is a clear and safe point when this life - this chronic "get over it" illness - makes you realize there is always the option of death. Death is an unknown. And with an unknown comes hope. And, more than once, there will be no hope.

Maybe suicide or euthanasia has a place in my culture. I

My Pending Suicide
I started planning my suicide right before treatment and after I was over the worst parts of it.

I was always in pain and after 10 some years of it I knew eventually the prospect of death would be an unknown that was either better OR worse.

That's what suicide is in a logical mind. Death was not some dramatic escape. Death would be better or worse.

Continuing living would be the same or worse. It would be a battle to have someone believe you. It would be hearing how I was a "pretty, young girl with you whole life in front of you who has never done anything and you can be something if you just tried a little harder" for the rest of my life with all the shame and issues on those who I would have to rely on.

When life was chronic pain and horror and death was an unknown. Eventually, it makes sense.

I figured it would be better to have the stuff on hand. I went over a couple options - OD on a collection of drugs I had was my choice. I figured I could mix some of the left-over pills I had from before with alcohol. I could always find a way to get some serious pills.

I debating hanging myself - but I didn't think I had a good enough place to do it. The ceiling fan seemed like a good idea, but, I didn't think it would hold my weight.

I never thought about using a gun - and there were guns all over the house. It's actually REALLY easy to not kill yourself when you shoot yourself. Plus, that seemed messy. I knew my family would have to find me and all that. Probably better NOT to leave them with additional horrors.

I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just knew at some point the pain would be too much for me. It would have robbed me of too much.

That June
A neighbor committed suicide when he was 16 when I was doing better. He hung himself and his parents found him the next day. I remember the funeral and the raw devastation at this loss of life. And I also learned how much he struggled with depression and how much treatment he had. At some point, his mother said he had been a normal kid and then something just happened before he became a teenager. He tried a few times to commit suicide before then and failed.

It was. . .devastating. You could see the ripples through his mother, his siblings, his friends and the general community. I could see what it was like on that side and how those thoughts and feelings and "what ifs" that will haunt everyone he touched until they die.

And this deep part of me thinks: I understand why. At least, I understand intellectually and emotionally how that choice presents itself when you are in the throws of chronic illness - mental or physical.

But I couldn't not fathom even a tiny bit of the devastation in the family. I told myself I was so glad I was never at the point where I was actively trying to commit suicide.

This experience, if anything, broke into the logical part of me looking for just a second of peace in the unknown of death and replaced it with an understanding however lonely or sick I was, I was still a part of something that would be left behind after I was gone.

Although, as a good deal of people with a chronic illness will tell you, there was no promise that I wouldn't commit suicide again if I get sicker. Maybe that is the part that people who have lived a normal, healthy life don't really understand - these illnesses that away everything from money to experiences to fundememtal aspects of a persons personality.

Today
Even now in 2016 - when I get neuropathy. I wonder how many years straight could I really take of it. If I relapsed - how long would it take until that idea presents itself.

Suicide. Euthanasia.

We are built to fear these words and concepts as humans through our relationships and even religion. And it is sad because everyone has probably at some point said or thought about it. However passing or fleeting the thought - the concept is the same.

If I go on, things will always be like this or worse. If I die, I don't know what will happen to me.

Also. . .
If you or someone you know is in a position of contemplating suicide, then it's worth talking about it to someone who knows what make someone truly contemplate suicide. There might be treatments, solutions or avenue you have not considered or thought of. They are worth perusing before attempting anything from self-harm to euthanasia.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, call 1-800-273-8255 which is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week). They offer communication in both English and Spanish.

Or visit: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Or even www.iasp.info/