Lyme Files: The Blackouts

I had a lot of blackouts.

I didn't know what they were until I mention to Dr. Burke that I didn't remember May. That I didn't remember high school - only maybe two things. He told me about blackouts.

Most of them, I was far to apathetic to care about. So I couldn't remember what the day was or what yesterday was. Maybe one day it was Monday and the next day it was Thursday. I didn't care. Maybe it was spring or summer or fall. I kept notes and alerts on anything that mattered. If my phone didn't buzz to tell me to do something, who cares.

The first big blackout I had was when I had the PICC. I had a whole collection of memories swimming around in my brain and I think things were going well and then I was standing in my parent's kitchen.

I was suddenly in the kitchen.

Look around you for a moment and now imagine you are just standing in your kitchen. It's as if you transported there but you have no idea how you got there.

It's different than zoning out. It's not like when you are at work and the next thing you know it's lunch. "The next thing you know" it not the same as a blackout.

You can feel in your brain you have missing time and memories. When it's "the next thing you know" you still have memories even if time went faster while you were working or talking.

I had been somewhere else doing something else and now I was in the kitchen.

So, I was just in the kitchen. Beyond not knowing how I got there, I didn't know what month it was or season. I just was there in this space and time.

Sometimes I would blackout and find someone standing in front of me talking to me. Sometimes I would blackout and would spend hours trying to remember what day came after Tuesday or what month came after March.

To this day - I don't know if it is normal or not - I can't count months backwards. I sometimes am unsure when November comes. Is it after September or October? I'm not sure if March is spring or winter - because April doesn't seem to come after it.

And even when I knew it was summer, I kept having to tell myself over and over "Summer, winter, fall, spring, summer winter. . .no . . .summer, winter" - I couldn't keep the seasons straight and I didn't know how to dress right. I was always cold, anyway.

But, I was far to scared to tell anyone. I didn't need to tell them "another thing" that was wrong with me. Another thing. That's what my struggle was to those around me - another thing.

"Amanda, is this another thing due to the Lyme?"

I had to split myself into two - the person who sat with the bafflement of trying to figure out what was happening. And the person who didn't look sick.

"Is this another thing, Amanda?"