May 30, 2016

Lyme Files: My Relationship

Letting go was hard.

Of my sickness. Not a, you know, romantic relationship. Boom.

There were many times I wished I could be sick again - TRUE STORY - because it was something I had known for most of my life. It was as if suddenly I was in a different country and I had to learn a new language and a new way to think and feel. And then I had to find ways to connect with people who lived in this world and all I had were these funny stories of how I was afraid of stairs and these medication. . .

I lived in a relentless Hell but it was my Hell.

I knew how to cope with pain, I knew I had "friends" when I was sick - other Lymies and I talked about pooping, flu shots, medications, symptoms and fears. I had nothing in common with the world outside that. I wanted to be apathetic again.

That's f**king hard.

I endured panic attacks, temper tantrums and fear of being "outside" the illness. It was hard to require more of myself AND others. I raged when people dared to say I should rest or I should write something down. They were right like 98% of the time. . .or like 100%. It was a "how dare you think you know me?"

My Mom said, "She's back!" one time and threw a little family get-together to celebrate a clear test - and I hated it. I'm sure I was not a doll during it, either.

All my planning and strategies for life were built around not that life and world. I didn't know who I was. I didn't want to celebrate the loss of who I thought I was - a Lymie. I didn't want people telling me who I use to be.

Let's review - I hated being sick. I hated being well. I was a wreck. But, all inside. Some was my own personality fighting to get out and some was just the cray-cray that happens when you have brain damage.

In the end, the sickness gave me the biggest coping skill of: just get through this heartbeat. And somewhere, something whispered to me - You are so much stronger than you realize right now

It was just so unfair that anyone has to learn how to be this strong because of this illness. Because there is no funding or education for a simple test. A simple understanding.

I would gladly wish everyone a life of unknown strength or shallow weakness over this Hell.


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