Things I Eat: Homemade Lo Mein

Chinese food take-out, I miss thee. But, not really.

One of the things my husband thought when he learned I was really weird was that he would never again enjoy take-out Chinese food.

I decided to ensure he, too, would never again enjoy take-out Chinese food.

Because I can make it!

People often say Chinese food is unhealthy but it really isn't. You can’t say that a whole culture that produces people who can live well beyond 100 years eats poorly.

Us in ‘Murica. Yeah.

Just for some information, lo mein and chow mein are two different things. I don’t know if this is the case for us in ‘Murica when ordering from our favorite Chinese take-out place.

Anyhow, lo mein just means tossed noodles where chow mein (or chao mein) means fried noodles. Chow mein tends to be crunchy and fried where lo mein is soft like unicorn farts. Delicious unicorn farts.

Obviously noodles are key here.

Don’t mess with the noodle, ya noodle.

If you can, use Chinese egg noodles which are made from egg and wheat. I can’t, so, I use rice noodles – the spaghetti style. That’s how I always had them. I also like to use tons of veggies.

What You Need

• Attitude: You need it.
• Bragg’s Liquid Aminos: Or a good soy sauce. 
• Broth: Veggie or chicken, depends on what you want to do with your life. You could use bouillon cubes or you could actually use water. If you are actually a hater of all things beautiful.
• Coconut oil: You can use olive oil (though Asian chefs frown mighty) or wok oil for sauteing up everything. I used coconut oil because I don’t have to justify my oil choices to anyone. And it’s delicious. Wok oil tends to be a mix of high-smoke-point oils – and, well, I can’t mess with that since. . .God hates me.
• Garlic: I used pre-chopped garlic. And a lot of it. 
• Ginger: I used my Gourmet Gardens ginger but you could get a foot (technical term) of ginger and use a grater to get it all in there.
• Mushrooms: I got one package of sliced mushrooms – baby portabello, I think. Botanically, portabello and crimini mushrooms are the same. Hate to break that too you #sorrynotsorry.
• Parsnips: I used two large parsnips and educated the check-out girl as to what this white carrot thing was.
• Peas: I had about ½ a package left that was frozen so I used it up.
• Red peppers: I used two thin red peppers. You can use more.
• Rice noodles: You know how I roll, Tinkyada.
• Scallions: For topping and for cooking. I think my lover threw out the parts I didn’t use. I hope not, though. I got three bunches.
• Sesame oil: I had a little left in my bottle, just enough for awesomeness. Don’t worry about the peas falling to the bottom of the bowl, if you follow my instructions and don’t rinse your noodles.
• Snap peas: I was unsure if I got sweet peas or snow peas or snap peas. Doesn’t matter that much – just a flavor thing. 
• Sweet onion: I used one.

Look at my haul!

What You Do
Start by chopping up the onions and peppers. You can chop while making the noodles or make the noodles after you chop. Depends on your chopping speed and what you want chopped.

This is what I chopped - in total:

• Mushrooms – I cut them up a little more so they were in strips. I don’t know. I like strips. Mushrooms cook down a LOT.
• Parsnips – I used my veggie peeler to create long ribbons. I did add some into my sauté but they absorb and dissolve quickly, so I also had some to just add at the end. 
• My finger - OUCH! Motherf***er!
• Scallions (bottom, white stuff) – You can toss this into your veggie sauté and use for topping. 
• Scallions (top, green part)– Same, you can toss into the sauté with the onions and/or garlic or use them for topping if you REALLY like scallions.

Saute the onions and peppers up in the coconut oil. I like my red peppers really cooked for this dish – other times, I like them a little crunchy. Just saying.

Use the broth as the liquid to cook the noodles. You could also use cubed bullion or whatever. I used straight chicken broth because the chicken was on sale and there wasn't any veggie broth. You could also use half broth and half water. But, really, don’t use water. You want the noodles to have some flavor to absorb.

Once the onions are looking tender and the peppers are enjoying their new life state, add your garlic, snap peas, mushrooms, a handful of the parsnip ribbons, peas (mine were frozen which added a little water) a dose of liquid aminos, a couple inches of ginger and a little water.

You want to have some liquid in there for the mushrooms to absorb. I might have used about ¼ cup of water and a ¼ cup of aminos – it depends on how much you are making. I also covered the mixture – things happen under the covers that are magical.

Once the noodles are done, drain them. DO NOT RINSE THEM FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY! WATER BETTER NOT TOUCH THOSE NOODLES.

Turn off your burner. Put the noodles back in the pot and add your sauteed goodness. Slice up more parsnip ribbons and add them into the mixture - I like to play around with texture. The ribbons will absorbed the flavors and soften in the heat. Add in a healthy dose of sesame oil and fold everything together. Since you didn't rinse your noodles, the starch from the noodles will help thicken up everything. You can add some more liquid aminos, too.

I like to set up my lo mein like tacos – everyone (as in me and my husband) can add in extra veggies or a touch more seasoning. You can add a couple more snap peas if you want some crunch or even some mushrooms if you like them raw. Top your bowl with some scallions and eat!

If you are super awesome – you will remember you had toasted sesame seeds. I am not a hero. I forgot this.

Some Options
Lo mein is great because you can really add in a lot of veggies, for example:

• Bok choy: Remove the white part, make it a party.
• Broccoli: YES! It goes well, chop up the florets.
• Celery: A super flavor sucker-upper.
• Chow Mein Noodles: The ones you get to dip in duk sauce.
• Edamema: I used peas. You can use edamame. Or both.
• Jicama: If you want some sweet crunch, I would add at the end. 
• Meat: If you had leftover chicken or even leftover beef or some shrimp, add it.
• Shredded carrots: I just did the parsnips instead because I like parsnips. 
• Spinach: Cook in some spinach for an added boost!
• Tofu: If you like tofu, add this in.
• Water chestnuts: I never understood them, but, why not?

I would have taken more pictures, but, when I was making the parsnip ribbons, I veggie peeled my finger. Took off a chunk of nail and everything. Then I was all about the business. I @#$%ing ate that parsnip.

Here is the finished product - my husband took the photo because I was still pouting about my lost nail.

I did pull it together and took this photo.

How freaking comforting is this dish? It made me forget about my bleeding finger and chopped off nail.

It's actually just boiling noodles and sauteing some veggies, though it seems a lot harder. You can even get a lot of these veggies pre-cut in the produce section these days. A lot have soup veggie mixes and stuff with fresh stuff. Grab what you need to make this as easy as take-out!

It's also really healthy. Rice noodles, veggies - WHAT UP?! You'll never go back. Trust me. I mean, other than for seconds. 

You can also make a HUGE amount of this. It stores really well.