Things I Eat

Well, I'm going to do a series - every Friday it'll pop up and it will be called Things I Eat and it will start August 1, 2014! This series will, hopefully, show how it is possible to live a full life with a highly restricted diet - along with peppering of my own thoughts toward nutrition and food-choices.

Why? Because I can't eat most of the things that God has provide us. To review - I cannot consume the following foods without horrible consequences*

• Dairy - milk, cheese, casein, etc
• Egg - yoke, whites, Egg Beaters
• Beans - hummas, veggie burgers
• Canola - from the rapeseed plant, basically anything fried
• Wheat - whole grain, bread, etc
• Yeast - wine, beer, all condiments, anything fermented
• Soy - tofu, tempeh,textured vegetable protein

*consequences are not anaphylactic shock, just a total destruction of my entire digestive tract

Exciting.

My Life

I will post a picture of a steak!

I live in a world where I go to what normal people would considered a nice, relaxing dinner and I'll be in horrific fear they will have some ingredient in my food that will cause a massive issue in my body.

Trust? Sure, I can tell them all the items I can't have but if they are wrong or make a mistake . . .it could be months of pain for me.

What type of pain? My issues include the normal things like diarrhea and constipation. One or both of these can lead to the sexy hemorrhoids which 1/3 people have at any given time and suck.

Then there is the crippling pain stomach pain, acid reflux, crippling lower intestine pain, gallbladder swelling, crippling lower intestine  pain, massive bloating, gas, vomiting, inability to operate - oh, and this triggers my adrenals to react to the stress of detail with a toxin substance in my body and fail which led to fatigue, insomnia, mood swings, closing throat, thyroid crashes. . .

What I Eat

The bulk of my diet involves drinking smoothies. I have one as my main meal about five days a week. Maybe people think I do this because I am forcing myself to be healthy. I actually truly enjoy my smoothies and my NutriBullet which offers me the ability to consume a large amount of foods without fear.

I do not eat a lot of packaged food. I do try to find them, but, other than Herr's Potato Chips and packaged nuts, I avoid packaged foods. I don't know what Sodium caseinate is. . .so. . .why take a chance? (It's a milk by-product, by the way)

Because of my restrictions, I have been forced out of the mythical "comfort zone" of food. I eat as many different foods as possible and I am always willing to try something new or to try to alter a recipe.

Alter - eh? Well, I have to alter most if I want to eat them. I take the Alton Brown approach, I figure out the role the ingredient plays in the food and then try to find out if it is needed or how to substitute it.

I am also very, very, very lazy. I think food should taste good, be easy and/or fun to make, be healthy and not cause me medical harm.

Trust
Sure, I totally trust people making food for me. I also trust eating with people - because there is nothing like having a nice meal and having every bite scrutinized by those you are sitting with. Here are some comments:

M: I got this Greek yogurt ranch rather than buttermilk so you can have it.
A: I can't have dairy.
M: It's not dairy.
A: Where do you think yogurt comes from?

D: Wine doesn't have yeast in it.
A: How do you think it ferments?
D: There's no yeast in it.

W: We have hot dogs, hamburgers and you can have a black bean veggie burger.
A: I can't have beans.
W: I thought you liked veggies . . .

J: What is that?!
A: A smoothie. It looks weird because of the blueberry in it.
J: That's disgusting.

Coping
I tell a lot of people who try to understand my dietary needs I'm vegan. But, being vegan means cutting out the whole meat thing which I can eat - which is meat. However, saying "vegan" means they will most likely produce a salad of glorious greens and not serve me anything with eggs or dairy.

The problem with the "vegan disguise" is I also can't eat beans and soy. A lot of staples in a meat-less life include heavy amounts of all types of beans and processed soy.

Conclusion
So, me eating is an adventure! And I am going to document it all dramatically with what exactly I do eat. 'Cause I do eat. I do. Really. I eat. I eat good. I eat good food.

A lot.

Sometimes.

I'm normal!!!

Special Edition: Whine and Wine

I'm really not good at opening things.

The bad news is I can't get the cork out. The good news is that the bottle is open.

What's Eating You?

I'd like to think I am part of some type of solution - I think the closer you are to a problem, the more you only see it. Sometimes, it's all coincidence.

If you, or someone you know, seems to be struggling with an eating disorder - contact National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA).

NEDA is the leading non-profit organization in the United States advocating on behalf of and supporting individuals and families affected by eating disorders. Reaching millions every year, NEDA campaigns for prevention, improved access to quality treatment, and increased research funding to better understand and treat eating disorders. NEDA works with partners and volunteers to develop programs and tools to help everyone who seeks assistance.

Do Something With My Hair

Memories

I have sort of long hair now. Normally, I would have chopped it off by now and donated to Locks of Love but since I am getting married in October, I didn't think I would have enough to make me pretty.

You can check out my thoughts on my previous donations from my Donate to Locks for Love post.

So, I have a lot of hair and without having air conditioning in my place - or very pathetic cooling systems, getting this hair-monster off my neck and back is great.

I also sometimes get negative comments about the "free" nature of my hair. I mean, I don't know how to dress it up - however, there should be enough of it there to do something. Meanwhile, it's half wave, half curl and all frizz. Even after I assault it with the straightening iron.

Friend: You should do something with your hair.
Me: I did.
Friend: . . .oh. I mean. It looks great.

Research
The Internet is full of "quick," "simple," "beautiful," "amazing" ideas - some that don't involve porn or major skills. Keep in mind, I really don't have a lot of skills. But, that doesn't really stop me from trying out stuff.

Like, the waterfall braid. That was a fail. I can braid - I learned when I rode horses because we had to braid their manes. Maybe my Mom showed me once, but, I was not into it.

But, I digress.

The first issue, everyone has hair products and hair items and nice straight hair. What I found was most of these "simple chic" hair styles involved a lot of hairspray (still haven't figured it out) and hair gel, finishing spray and maybe a curling iron and some other tool.

Seriously - here are instructions on one of these hairstyles:

How to: Spritz a volume booster into your damp hair, like Chi Volume Booster, $14. Create a deep side part and tie your hair into a ponytail at the crown. Take random strands of hair and apply a little Redken Velvet Gelatine 07, $17.50, before setting your hair with a medium barrel iron to create the curls, says Kris Sorbie, Education Artistic Director of Redken 5th Avenue. When the curls have cooled, rake your fingers through them to break them up and randomly pin the curls into a messy bun. Tie a pretty scarf around your head to complete the look. (From Scarf-tied updo)

Sure, ponytail twist by Joanna Goddard, with your little flowers and easy-breezy hair and lifestyle blog with great pictures - sure. . .I'm far to low on the chain of feminine skills to pull this simple thing off. Why? Hair pins. .everywhere. In my cerebellum and probably all over my kitchen floor. And in my bed, I always miss a few in there and find them days later.

Let's not even talk about the Tie and Tease by the Beauty Department. First, really. .straight hair again?

Plus, I don't tease or tie things. I always figured teasing on a daily bases would ruin your hair. I don't need that. Although, I do envy those girls who have this sweet, effortless hair.

In about five seconds, my hair would be looking for its next victim. . .

Pork chop bone? Toddler?

Hey, you going to eat that toddler? Hey, come here kid.

*screams*

What I Did
I decided to go for the ultimate titled hair Scarf Updo because it seemed to hit on all the stuff I was into. I might point out I did try this a while ago but I did not use pins. I also tried used a scarf which was slippery. Oh, and I have no skills. When I did it, I thought my hair was falling out from the design at an alarming rate but I could shove it back in.

The feedback I got was:

Friend: What are you doing with your hair?
Me: Oh, I have it up.
Friend: Really? That looks bad. You normally look more put together.

In my ONLY defense, I did have a hulking set of headphones on most of the day and I was doing voiceover stuff. I ripped those things off my head a few times in unrelenting reading rage. . .

(There is a lot of rage in this post for some reason)

Anyhow, since I fail at most things, I figured I might as well keep trying and even if I ended up with something I would never want to be seen in public with, at least I have something to do while watching TV and my hair is out of my way if I am cleaning. Once it gets to a certain length, the ponytail does nothing.

Nothing!

Here is how to do the scarf updo:

1. Get a headband - perhaps something with some traction on hair - I used a Goody Slide Proof Headwrap which has these silicone dots to grab hair without pulling. 
2. Put the headband on your head like you're a hippy - this keeps the back part up on the back of your head. You can probably adjust this to where ever you want your bunch of hair to rest. I found the "hippie" method works for me. The Scarf Updo by Cristophe doesn't do it this way.
3. Divide your hair into two sections or at least know you have two sections. This keeps stuff more neat back there 'cause you can't see anything. 
4. Take about an inch tendril of hair and loop it up and into the band. Don't do it the other way. That's a mess. Wrap it around once and then pick up some more hair and wrap around again.
5. Once you get to the end of the one side - pin the hell out of that end piece. 
6. Repeat on the other side. If you are like me, you get super-impatient and one side looks "better" than the other but you can really do whatever and it looks good. Looks good messy, is the point.
7. Stab at will with hairpins. Seriously. At will.
8. Optional: You could do a couple tendrils into brains before wrapping and get some other funk in there.  

I was actually pretty pleased with my later attempts - practice does make improvement! And I would totally wear this to work if I didn't work in a missing link to the arctic. I totally would love to find some other scarfs or headbands to decorate this up.

Small victory!

Email: When Wrong Goes Right

I received an e-fax! It was for a credit reference between two companies.

Sure, who doesn't get a wrong number or have something sent that was meant for someone else? I think as part of our jobs as humans is to look out for each other. Really - wouldn't you want someone looking out for you? So, I did what I could:

The text of the email is:

Hello Parts Express and British Audio Services, 

I think you two should talk – like a little B2B action. I am really happy I could get you two together – honestly. I tried before, but, I have a good feeling this time. 

I have been getting the notices from Parts Express that I need to fill out a credit reference for British Audio Services. I’m pretty sure this is because someone fat-fingered a number somewhere. It’s ok – we can all still make magic work here before it is too late!

• Parts Express: I want to connect YOU to your customers because business makes the world turn. I mean, I can tell Penny is a hard worker by the fearless way she penned “2nd request” but I can see there is some hesitation by that lowercase “e” – sure, she got her message across – or did she? Penny – you can BE A HERO by talking with British Audio Services and getting this whole thing fixed! Their number is  (615) 891-1788 and they are (probably a little hungover in the morning) open until 10a-6pm M-F and 10-5p on Saturday. Just subtract an hour from that, you guys aren’t in the same time-zone. Oh, and they rest on the lords day. 
• British Audio Services: You rock it, I know you do. Any company in TN with “British” in their name will walk into party with sock AND loafers and say, “What of it? I’m here to party.” If I ever go to TN, I will think about stopping by and making friends so I could fill out this credit reference for you. In the meantime, I think you have an order pending with Parts Express. Trust me, it won’t be that express if you don’t get this done, right? How about you give my friend Penny a call at Parts Express and get this whole caboodle fixed up? Just ring her at 937-743-3000. They are all being express over there from 8a-6p M-F and are a little hungover on Saturday with 9a-5p hours on Saturday. Just add an hour to that and you will be A-ok!

Ok – we all got our instructions? Annnnnnnd. . . .don’t let me die in your spam filter. . .GO!

I totally thought I would end up in someone's spam filter or at the very least, get another notice about this mysterious credit reference - I did not! What a delightful success!

Here is the text of the email:

Hello Amanda.  A copy of your email below came to the Customer Service team today and we have since forwarded it to Penny who will get this “caboodle fixed up” right away.  Wow, thank you for getting involved!   

I just have to tell you much my team and I enjoyed your email.  We are still laughing after numerous reads! Your sense of humor wowed us and we all said “We love this gal!” The world needs more people like you!  Going forward, feel free to copy us on all your funny correspondence.  LOL       

And, if you are ever in southern Ohio, please stop by and make friends with 

How nice! I also got a response from the other company - go accurate spam filters:

Here is the text:

Dear Amanda,  

You've really got me laughing, thank you... And, my apologies for any inconveniences this may have caused you.  

You're obviously a real talent with a great sense of humor.  Your writing is extraordinary and you've put more effort into this credit app than the blokes at parts express. Haha.  

Please do visit us if ever in Nashville as I'd love to meet you in person and enjoy a cold beer together. Certainly it would be my honor.  

I will do my best to keep "penny" from faxing your line any more.  

Kind regards

See people - this is what happens when we all look out for each other. 

Texts With Melissa: Adult Dreams & Gloating

Whoever said you can't find joy in someone else's suffering. . .well. .doesn't come to my blog that often. In this edition, the only reason I am communicating with Melissa is to prove the place I work is better because I get to go outside. . .

Let's break it down!

And that's how friends do.