Things I Eat: Summer Rolls

Got it? I made summer rolls. And without the meat. And I don't know what Nước chấm is. I also can't say what a summer roll is because it looks like this: Gỏi cuốn. I called them "Glen Coco" and that's wrong.

This is not REALLY my idea in anyway. Obviously this type of food assembly has been around for a really long time. At least since 1980, right? It's a really good raw vegan type food so it's super easy and great for lazy people. Like me.

I also find it kind of fun. If you like the "make your own" idea for food, you can set up a little summer roll station with tons of fixin's and have your friends, family, crashers, house guest or your own personal pure gluttonous self belly on up and make some magic.

With that said, this is how I did up my rolls.

What You Need

• Avocado: Cado is my motto! (that makes no sense, why did I write that?)
• Red peppers: The sweetest of all peppers.
• Scallions: Just the green top part. Scallions are great – why don’t I always eat them?
• Parsnips: The white carrot. Ancient favor vehicle! 
• Spinach: I nom-a-nate this green. (That was funny!).
• Basil oil: Maybe I drink it, you don't know. Basil if fun, fresh and not just for Italian things.
• Garlic oil: Too lazy to get garlic powder from just out of arms reach. . .totally able to reach the garlic oil.
• Rice wrapping paper roll stuff: I don't know what the world calls it, I say rice paper.

What you could do:

• Any veggie.
• Any meat.
• Any seafood.
• Any seasoning.

BONUS! Dipping sauces? Yeah. You can do that.

The Rice Paper Situation
Let's chat a moment about that rice paper wrapping stuff. I sent my beloved husband to get me these without knowing where they might be. Ended up Whole Foods was a good choice. He got me brown rice wrappers which I didn't know existed - they are the Happy Pho Vietnamese Brown Rice Spring Roll Wrappers. I don’t know who Pho is, but, I want whatever rice wraps makes Pho happy.

The rice wrappers are very stiff and annoying and mine were mostly broken before I opened the package. Sure, they look like tortillas, but, you gotta be careful, man! Anyhow, once you get them out of the package, you submerge them in water for a bit and as they absorb the water, they soften a lot until they are like. . mm. . heavy. . .plastic? That sounds bad. Just, they get very pliable.

I was lucky enough that a friend of mine made a friend with a first generation Vietnamese girl who made summer rolls for me once - with pork belly. I never had this stuff before. It was fantastic. And I watched her do it. She was skilled. I am not.

Anyhow, whatever size you get you want to make sure you can submerge it in water. I used a pie plate.

You put the rice paper into water right before you make the roll. So, just set this up first, maybe. You got a lot of chopping to do. Yays!

What You Do
Chop, chop, chop! If you don't like chopping, I guess you can buy pre-chopped stuff. Or you can get good at chopping.

I chopped up the red peppers into strips and the scallions were beheaded and then I cut the greens into thin strips. I did cut my finger, sorta. I have a gel manicure going on right now and it totally saved my nail. Awesome! I also chopped up the spinach a bit. If you are using lettuces, make sure you remove any spines or stems else it might tear the rice paper.

For the parsnips, I used my veggie peeler to make ribbons of it. Parsnips absorb flavor - not unlike raw sweet potato - so I dosed it in basil oil and garlic oil. I wanted it to be the vehicle of basil and garlic. I mixed that all up and let it sit.

And, yes, my nail did completely recover from the Parsnip Snip of 2014.

For the avocado I mashed it up. I ended up using my Cuisinart Hand Blender because they were not quite ripe enough for me to mash. And I'm an American. I used a little basil oil to soften it up, too.

Good to go, I soaked my rice paper until it started to get more pliable. I'm not good with wraps of ANY kind so I Googled how to actually assemble a burrito type thing. I also read the How to Wrap Rice Paper Rolls.

Then I was like ****-it.

I did a good scoop of the 'cado.

Then I threw in everything else. Now, the "experts" and "Internet" will tell you not to "over stuff" your wrap. This is a good illustration of how to totally over stuff your wrap. This is NOT considering the amount of food that bypassed the wrap and went straight into my mouth.

I would have taken pictures of the assembly, but, I'm sure you can imagine. . .

This was the outcome!

I gotta be honest, I am use of seeing white rice paper. I also really don't do a good job at presentation. I do think if you are one of those "I've never starved before" people, you might be turned off by the brown rice wraps. I would use the white ones for people who are finicky.

If you Google stuff on these types of summer rolls, you'll see better examples.

Like from The Food Network

Or this from What's Cooking America

No worries! Into my mouth it went! And it was fantastic!

My charming husband only had one because he had been at the gym and had a protein bar. I think protein bars are disgusting and his body would have totally preferred these fresh, delicious, slightly chilled health-bombs - but, whatever. More for me!

The Next Day!
(I made them the next night, because I had leftover wraps!)

In this case, I used a leafy green blend (spinach, kale, Brussels spouts) and some sun-dried tomatoes with Trader Joe's Garlic Herb Chicken Sausage from Trader Joe's. Little of my "over stuffing" technique changed. I did get a little more aggressive with the rice wrap - using less water and more aggression was a good step up.

I also didn't share any of these because my hubs was at the gym. . .

That's right, baby. Sausage salad in a rice wrap. I think I'm actually winning a life. Not photography. Just life.

Conclusions
So, anyhow. Yeah. Ditch the salad, man. Eat as many of these as you want. They are pretty easy to make and very customizable. You could make a little dipping sauce or just use soy sauce. How fantastic?!

Because you have layered fresh veggies, your mouth will not be tired - one bite you get leafy and crunchy, the next bite you get rice-y and mellow. Then you get a hit of basil, and then garlic. .and then a sweet kick of red peppers. It's good. IT'S GOOD.

I want some right now.

Remember when I wrote how my work had this lady come in and had a talk with us called "Strive for Five: How to Creatively Consume your Fruits and Veggies" (Things I Eat: Wonder Pot post) and one of the ideas was putting black beans into brownies and I. . like. .lost my ****.

EAT. THIS.

UPDATE:
I got a little better at this situation. I also tried out another brand of rice paper, Blue Dragon - the white rice paper was a little easier to work with, I think.

As you can see, I got better at my wrappings. Or I was just really hungry and they looked really good.

NOM NOM NOM! (I also did not share, again)

Nail(ed) to the Couch: Bord Sparkle

Ah, the joy of adrenal fatigue. Tired, achy. .and ready to do my nails.

As anyone with a chronic illness or battle will tell you, finding some type of joy in every situation is key. Maybe right now sucks, but, at least you can have a little fun with it. Maybe that's "attitude" but I think it's "sanity."

I was over at Beans Beauty buying my uber expensive Pureology shampoo - 'cause it make my hair fab - and they put up the Essie nail display RIGHT THERE. I am a huge fan of Essie. I think the polish goes on really easy. I sort of suck at fine motor things so having a product that glides on easily and is forgiving is huge.

I had been rocking the Cocktails & Coconuts because it goes on so nicely, I am horrible at judging what neutrals go with my skin the best and it grew on me. I like it. I do. It's pretty subtle and I wish I could alter it a little, but, it's good.

I'm not ready to buy MORE polishes that I'm not a huge fan of. Actually, that's a lie, I'm totally ready to buy a lot of polish.

Another reason I do like this polish is I had lost all my faith in putting polish on nicely when I got Bordeaux and I totally cannot make it look good on my nails. Not the color, the color is gorgeous and I love it, I just have a tough time applying it without getting it on my cuticles or something. I do try to remove those spots with a q-tip, again. .find motor skills are not my thing.

Anyhow - there I was, at the Essie display and I thought - I need this. I need this thing right here - Summit of Style

Keep your golds and silvers and whatever - I want coppers and bronzes. I want the rich metallics. And, apparently, I really wanted sparkly. Needed. I needed sparkly! My adrenals don't work.

I flipped on some Law & Order: Criminal Intent and got down to the biz.

I gave the Luxeffects a try on my chipped polish which was the Coconuts & Cocktails. It looked really good. It's a really snazzy way to add some umph to a neutral. But, I wanted to do it on my red! You can see the filing block I also got - and I have this cuticle moisturizing pen because.. .it's a pen.

I'm pretty surprised how easily the Luxeffects goes on - I thought it would be like a layer of glitter that would be raised an annoying, but it's not. There are a couple sizes of the glitter so you get a really cool look.

I did it randomly on some nails - not all of them. I think it's damn snazzy! Here is me pretending to be a hand model holding the Bordeaux.  

This angle lets you appreciate the horrible nail painting skills I have. I swear, I'll clean it up. But, this is another angle and me holding the Luxeffect. Nice, eh? 

So, that's me. .nailed to the couch!

Game Review: Outlast

Holy horror, hotman – I have been indoctrinated into the world of Outlast and Outlast: Whistleblower. Sure, it’s been out since September 2013 on my only gaming platform – the personal computer – but I only really found out about it in like. . .December 2014.

And then Outlast: Whistleblower was released May 6, 2014. I just got on that band wagon with gusto!

These are both designed by Red Barrels Games - and I hope they make a lot more stuff that is this good! They are not available on a variety of platforms, but, I stick to my PC for everything.

As a non-warning – there are NO spoilers in this entry. Unless you click links.

Premises - Outlast
I play mild-manned dumbass Miles Upshure who is sure he is going to get the story of a lifetime after some equally mannered and dumb guy emailed him that weird crap has been happening on Mount Massive Asylum - a remote psychiatric hospital situated deep in the mountains of Lake County, Colorado and owned by the Murkoff Corporation, known for its corrupt dealings.

Lake County, Colorado

I mean, I guess it’s assumed “Miles” couldn't be a girl’s name, right?

Let’s just take a moment to review how I would deal with this situation:

Not Miles Upshure. Nope. He’s going for that investigative journalist of the century award. All he needs is a positive attitude and a camcorder!

Upshure has some important “psychiatric hospital situated deep in the mountains” life skills. These include:

• Sweet parkour moves.
• A steady hand (to record the horror with the night vision feature on the camcorder).
• Pockets for batteries.
• Champion hiding-under-the-bed abilities.
• Not being a screamer.
• Writing personal thoughts while on the run from malevolent nanite-driven beings. 

Let’s review my life skills - in photographic form:

I'm incompetent

Game Play
The game play is my fav – first person shooter (guns, vomit, tears – all can be shot out of you and at you in this classification of game). You basically wander around softly crying to yourself and screaming. If you are me, you wonder why everyone is covered in pizza. Oh wait. . .that's. . not. . .oh.

Because this is America, you can play at night, alone with the lights turned down and a pee-pad.

Unlike other types of horror or first person shooter games, Upshure has little to no skills (see above). He’s a tough dude, though – he takes a good amount of beatings and keeps getting up. He cannot survive beyond what a “normal human” can, though, and he has no combat skills – there is no hand-to-hand combat here. This might be a little different than those classic games where you get shot and whatever - like in Doom or Call of Duty - and you keep moving. You don't have a life meter - such things would be as pointless as a positive attitude.

Upshure can endure only about four strikes of a baseball bat to the head. The first make the other three possible.

Most of his skills seem to really come out due to the motivation of the situations, such as:

• A huge sadistic self-mutilator with superhuman strength.
• Blood.
• Cannibals. 
• Delusional doctors. 
• Mass-murdering psychopaths.
• Mutilated corpses of  SWAT team members.
• Pastels. 

Super Game Points
Watching other people play this is another game all in itself. I was very impressed with the whole game. Seriously.

• Graphics: Spot on. Gory, horrible, excellent. There is a lot of detail in this game and a lot of Easter eggs from some Army of Darkness references to the use of “Red Barrels.” And the gore. I totally had to watch this on YouTube a lot to pause and really take in the features of the characters and even items. I even really liked how your own vision fades or panics.
• Sound: Awesome again! Even the hard breathing, the chatter of other characters and ambient music is immersive. I think I can see and hear this place in my dreams. I think it would smell a lot like lilac and bacon, though. 
• Story: The story is not super-dramatic or involved – which is good for this type of game. You can get by without knowing anything, but, every file and conversation will tell you more about the situation and history of Mount Massive. If you are someone who wants that level of detail, it is there. If not, it won’t hurt your game play to not know. 
• Characters: Believe it or not, the dialog is very character specific. Even though you don’t spend a lot of time – hopefully – with each character, they are very distinctive. This is super awesome because a lot of times these games treat your threats as a pre-packaged deal. Adding this true element of character to these inmates really ups the horror. No minions here, my friends. You can even read more about the characters and what they have gone through if you want to fully engage in the story.
• Scare factor: 10 out of 10! Not only is the premise of running around and hiding from people who want to kill you in the dark a classic scare factor, the characters scary. Even the ones who aren’t really out to kill you – just seeing them walking, lingering and occasionally leaping out at you is enough to make you change your pee pad. The game almost laughs at you by scaring you – who didn’t jump at the TV turning on? Hmm? Or feel really odd walking past inmates just. .sitting there. . .

Parting Thoughts
I think this is a game you should probably play with a friend on a Sunday afternoon with all the lights on. Or at night, alone, with headphones on and all the lights off – and a pee pad under you. This game will make you cry.

And it is beyond awesome. The bar has been raised.

Things I Eat: Mashed Yuca

Hello food warriors - maybe with tummy issues!

This is my BOOM stick

I recently saw this in my store and was like - I bet I could eat that. But. .what is it?

Turns out it's a yuca. Or yucca. The two names are used interchangeably yet they are names used for two different things.

What I am holding in the picture is a yuca - also known as a Cassava. Improper preparation of cassava can leave enough residual cyanide to cause acute cyanide intoxication and goiters, and may even cause ataxia or partial paralysis. The more toxic varieties of cassava are a fall-back resource in times of famine in some places.

A yucca - is a genus of perennial shrubs and trees in the family Asparagaceae, subfamily Agavoideae. Its 40-50 species are notable for their rosettes of evergreen, tough, sword-shaped leaves and large terminal panicles of white or whitish flowers. They are native to parts of North America, Central America, South America and the Caribbean. It is also colloquially known in the lower Midwest United States as "ghosts in the graveyard", as it is commonly found growing in rural graveyards and when in bloom the cluster of (usually pale) flowers on a thin stalk appear as floating apparitions.

Yep. Lot's of death*. So - let's get started! Oh, if I said this is the same item that tapioca is made out of, would you feel better? It is!

*I mean, not really. But it enchances my street cred.

What You Need

• 1 yuca: It's fun!
• Water: Good ol' tap
• Salt: Like my salty personality!
• Garlic: YES

What You Do
First - you want to peel it. While the outside looks really woody and tough, it peels easily. The insides are white and kind of potato-ee I ended up chopping it up and peeling the sections because sometimes I peel my own hand and that's not a good thing.

You also want to remove the wooden core-strip from the center.You can't REALLY see it - it might be a little grayish or something. It won't actually cook right, so, you can remove them before eating. You'll see these wooden string like thing in your pot and be like, "oh noes."

Then make it like you would mashed potatoes - put it in a pot and cover with water. Salt it a little. Boil it for about 30 minutes or until it's very tender. I used my super-awesome Dutch oven. Seriously, I love it.

In the meantime, you can take a nap or something. Or watched Dog: The Bounty Hunter because you don't have cable or Netflix or whatever you popular people have.

Once you can pierce it with a fork with ease, remove it and drain and rinse it. Then return it to your pot (turn off the heat) and add your fixin's.

I used garlic (this is an old picture, do not eat the Gourmet Gardens Garlic - It does contain dairy! Use minced or powdered garlic), Earth Balance Soy Free Buttery spread and salt. The flavor of the yuca on its own is pretty sweet. It's denser than potato, it holds up pretty well, and it has a light sweet flavor.

Mash it or process it as you see fit. I used a fork because I wanted some chunks in there and I know I didn't get out all the cores - and this is what it looks like when you mash it. It doesn't really fall apart. You don't want to eat it.

Once you have it smashed, mashed or processed to your heart's content - serve!

So, right, that toxin stuff.

You don't want to eat this raw – and I like to eat things raw, so, I know the horror. You want to make sure it's cooked really well. Don't use the water you cooked it with, and make sure you rinse after cooking since the water might have some of the toxins in it. Other than that, you should be good to go.

This does remind me a little of tapioca - which is what you make with this root. It is very high in calories having twice as many as potatoes. It has almost no fat and it's got a good amount of vitamin C. It's a nice change up from mashed potatoes or can be made into a sweet dessert. I think that's what it is mostly used for.

About Death
Cassava is the third most important source of calories in the tropics, so, millions of people eat this stuff happily. The secret is cooking the root thoroughly. In fact, bitter or wild cassava contains enough acid so that it can be fatally poisonous if eaten raw or under-cooked. To escape the Conquistadors, many natives were known to commit suicide by eating raw cassava.

Don’t commit suicide by eating raw, wild cassava.

Got that? Don't eat it raw. Cook it until tender. Rinse. Then again, I’m not using the wild/bitter cassava. It’s the stuff they sell in Giant.

The Daily Smooth: Packin’ it In

It’s a back to basics kind of Wednesday when it comes to my smoothie. Mostly, I blend spinach and berries.

Perhaps more important than what goes into a smoothie is how much of each thing you put in. I, for one, always start with the spinach. I like to pack it down there. I like to make sure I am getting a lot of the best stuff.

Of course, everything in my smoothies is good eats. Hmm.

Yep, I always start by aggressively packing down the spinach so it makes up about half of the total amount of stuff in the un-blended form.

Today's Blend
In order of the most amount of stuff to the least!

• Spinach
• Banana (1)
• Blackberries.
• Blueberries.
• Raspberries.
• Whole flaxseed
• Sunflower butter (tablespoon).

Check out more fun stuff at the Things I Eat page!

Things I Eat: Pizza

Pizza for dinner?

Yeah. Pizza. I really came up with this idea when I found brown rice tortillas that are 100% eatable in my world! What better crust for pizza, right? I mean, they don't really roll like for a wrap or something. They are good as bread substitute, though. Bonus, I can eat it like a squirrel.

I assume I can get on some high-horse by saying this is healthy for you and all that – but, we both know this isn’t normal person pizza. This is my pizza. Maybe it won’t replace your favorite pizza spot but it might find its way into your heart and tummy.

I have two major issues with pizza. Ok, like, 500. Dairy and yeast. And wheat. Yeah, those are the majors. So, I invented my own. Checking this out on the Interwebz after I ate a bunch of these proves, however, I did not invent it. Really.

I have mentioned I occasionally get the American Flatbread: Vegan Harvest - but it has yeast, wheat and canola in it. I need something better for my poor tummy.

What You Need

• Brown rice tortillas: I got these at Whole Foods in the frozen food section. They are also available at Trader Joes
• Tomato paste: @#$% that sauce. I want thick, rich, potent tomato stuff. 
• Seasonings: I did oregano, garlic and paprika which sings pizza to me. I also used some basil oil.
• Toppings: I did red, yellow and green peppers with onion.

What You Do
First, I sauted up my onions and peppers in some basil oil and olive oil. I never pass a chance to add a little more favor. And I also preheated my toaster oven.

You could actually make this in a cast iron skillet or if you have a Dutch oven, you could cook up your pizza there. I did mine in the toaster over for less mess.

Next, I got out my tortilla and painted on that hearty tomato paste. If you are not into rich flavors and joy, you could use whatever pizza sauce you like. Then I layered on the garlic, oregano and paprika.

Once my veggies were tender, I loaded them on and popped this into the toaster (after I little more sprinkling of seasonings, let's be honest). I found I got the most delightful crust at about 400 degrees for about 7-10 minutes. You can play around with timing to get the consistence of crust you want.

Likewise, in a cast iron pot, you would probably slather the bottom with olive oil and cook it up until it was a crunchy or tender as you would like. If you choose to do this in a cast iron, you can make a deep dish – make sure the sides of the tortilla cure up against the sides of the pan or pot and fill, fill fill!

Either way, I cut everything up into little triangles (points for not shoving it all into my mouth).

Sure, if you can have dairy, you can add whatever cheese you want. Previously, when I made this, I made one for my husband and put some Swiss cheese on it, he liked it.

My husband was out of town this night, so, I had all this great food to myself. I paired it with some lemon-mango-ade-Bourbon. Nice!

I think I get a lot of happiness from the tomato paste and seasoning. The veggies have always been a favorite of mine. I could get some vegan cheese, but, then I would be consuming some things I shouldn't like canola and soy.

This is actually pretty cheap to make, I might add. And because the tortillas are small, you can make a couple varieties. I'm all about that.

Texts With Melissa: Dealing With Boredom

Boredom at work - HOW CAN YOU BE BORED, SO MUCH WORK! - simple, sometimes you get everything done and sometimes you are burnt out. Sometimes, you just are not mentally stimulated enough. Come on, it happens to everyone, let's not lie about it.

Let's break it down!

Just as a side-note, I do not huff. I'm being funny.

If someone you know has a problem - contact the National Inhalant Prevention Coalition (NIPC) for information and help so jokes like these remain funny and bizarre because we all know huffing does kill and thusly the stupidest thing to do.

Banana Ice Cream

Out of all the things I can't eat, the one I find people gawking at is dairy.

And why not? The dairy industry has done a bang up job convincing everyone they need to drink more milk even if there is no real scientific evidence that says we need it. The information constantly flying around is to drink more milk, eat more cheese and consume more yogurt – it will make you sexy, thin, young, give you six-pack abs and find you love. Which is why we cry into vats of it when our problems become overwhelming.

In fact, most people have some level of allergy or intolerance to dairy because we don't actually need it in adulthood to survive so our bodies never really worried about processing it, but, we keep at it in some blind belief that we need it because celebrities wear white mustache.

Most of these products are laced with sugars. About 13 grams per cup. That's in 8 ounces.

Let’s not even get started on the cows, sheeps and goats that are required to produce the amount of dairy out there and what they have to go through. Not all animals are treated this way, but, to feed the ever growing demand for milk fueled by the advertising industry, it is not uncommon. I suggest finding a local dairy with cows that milk themselves and are named and you can meet in person - like Milky Way Creamery if you want a lot of dairy in your life. They use something known as Lely Astronaut Robotic Milking System.

Not that eliminating dairy makes you perfect. I do miss cheese. And ice cream. These are tasty treats – and I am a believer in the way of the omnivore.

I don’t miss how it makes me feel though. I don’t miss how it made me feel emotionally when my desire for cheese (like La Tur – so good)  outweighed the potential abuse I was supporting of an animal and my own digestive tract.

I'm not perfect. I do miss cheese. And ice cream. These are tasty treats. 

I don’t miss how it makes me feel though. 

Ok, ok. I am not as conflicted as you might think. I think what I miss about ice cream is its smooth, creamy sweetness. It’s a dull background flavor of milk and then a little sonnet of sweet. It’s cooling, it’s rich in texture but light in the belly. That’s what I want in my life. 

Anyhow, a vegan stable is banana ice cream. It's pretty basic to make and basically delicious - you can find tons of recipes online from mine - super simple - to someone like The Kitchn who really dressed it up. 

It's also really healthy because it's banana - they are packed with healthy stuff, and two have about 150 life-and-joy giving calories. Don’t listen to those people telling you the banana isn't healthy. They had unhappy childhoods.

Look at this little Banana! (Yes, this kitten's name is Banana)

Totally done with pictures

When I was making it, I was thinking of one of my favorite ice creams, Ben and Jerry’s Cinnamon Buns. I use to eat one of these in a sitting a week - which is how I believe you are suppose to do it. It is described as: 

Our cool salute to cinnamon buns is so cinnamon-streuseled & dough-loaded, there's no telling where the cinnamon buns end or the ice cream begins. That's because it's one fun flavor all the way through. Enjoy!

I’d like also to add that my husband had the stomach fIu so I figured was going to get the stomach flu, bananas taste the same coming down and going up. I like to plan. 

What You Need

• Bananas.
• Non-dairy milk or water.

Optional

• A husband with the stomach flu? (Optional and not recommended).
• Blueberries.
• Bourbon.
• Chocolate chips.
• Chocolate sauce.
• Cinnamon.
• Cocoa powder.
• Cookies.
• Coriander.
• Flavored sugar.
• Ginger.
• Granola.
• Ketchup (It does work, people)
• Maple syrup.
• Nutella.
• Nuts.
• Peanut butter.
• Tyme.
• Vanilla extract.

What You Do

Freeze the 'naners! I break up them up into little chunks because I like destruction and then they fit better into my little food processor later. 

If you ever studied famous dictators throughout time, you’ll know "divide and rule" or "divide and conquer" or the sexy "Salami tactics" is key to victory. It’s a classic way to gain and maintain power by breaking up larger concentrations of resistance into pieces that individually have less power than you.. 

Breaking up existing power structures and preventing smaller power groups from linking up applies to bananas. A whole frozen banana is much harder to blend into submission. You also want to make sure the chunks you have have room between them. Else they will freeze together and claim victory. 

@#$%ing bananas!

So, right. You just cut or break them into small pieces and put them into a plastic container to freeze. I used about three or four for my delicious bowl. However, I have a GIANT plastic container with about 500 bananas in there waiting to be sieged. 

If your banana are brown and spotty, all the better. That makes them much sweeter - but I know a lot of people think brown bananas are bad? 

Who are you people? 

The browner a banana the sweeter it is. That why you make banana bread when the bananas are totally brown. Just saying. So, if you have some older banans, use ‘em. Maybe try a combo? 

Whatever banana type you have, it's all good. Mine were yellow ‘cause that’s how I like ‘em. And I wasn't going to wait.

Freeze them for about 4-5 hours or overnight. Just don't forget about them. Some recipes online have you blend first and then freeze. I did this once and it was the consistency of cement - you'd have to wait 5-10 minus for it to soften back up. I prefer the freeze-blend method because I will eat it all in one sitting.

Easy.

When the ‘naner is frozen, pop them into your blender. I added a tiny bit of hot water to help melt stuff a little – if you ever studied early thermal weapons, you would know this classic form of anti-personnel weaponry is quite effective against people AND frozen bananas. 

I also used cold rice milk I used about 1/4 cup (I love me some rice) as my non-dairy milk. It's nice, I like the flavor of rice and banana – if you can’t taste the difference in non-dairy milks than it ain’t no thang.

It's an eyeball thing. You can add a little and add more later. The consistence is in YOUR control. I actually don’t even mind a couple little chunks of banana. They taste like eliminating the resistance with my teeth – which is delicious.

I added in a healthy shake of cinnamon, espressos sugar, sesame seeds ('cause I wild) and then blended all that together. I dumped it into a bowl and topped with maple syrup. I mean, it's really good even if it's not the Ben and Jerry's flavor I was thinking about. Actually, I totally forgot about it because of the super-awesomeness of my dinner – that’s right, banana ice cream for DINNER.

Fan-nana-tastic.

So I made another bowl. . .

Do this for yourself. It's creamy, sweet, cold and really hits the nail on the head. If you aren't a HUGE fan of banana, remember, it's a mild flavor that can be overpowered by something you might find MORE yummy. Like bourbon. Seriously – add a touch of bourbon and be more charming than before! 

Yummy!