Healing & Recovering

I have been having one of the worst bouts of adrenal issues ever. Ever. I am going to document it here because I need to be a little more honest with all these things that happen and these things I deal with. I mean, I don't want to be too honest because who wants to hear someone's sob story? But, I do get a little hurt when people seem to go out of their way to point out how my apartment isn't clean or I'm not happy enough or I am not doing enough for them.

Or I'm irritable. I'm @#$%ing irritable. 

So, for this week, the pain has been crippling, I can't eat and I'm exhausted.

Oh, right, this is all due to 10 years undiagnosed Lyme disease, babesiosis and bartonella. I was in treatment for 5 years where I acquired a whole host of other issues from fungal infections to organ failure. All in all, having malfunctioning adrenals is a gift. You can check out more of my story by looking at my adrenal fatigue page.

So, what do you do while trying to recover?

Severe rest!

One of the hardest things is rest. Not because I'm busy but because it's physical, mental and emotion rest.

When your adrenals go, you can't balance your emotions. I was just an agitated, anxious mess and it was more draining than running a marathon (not that I ever have, but, I think that would be draining). I finally got my anxiety under control so I could find some peace.

Peace is, of course, impossible if your adrenals don't work right. It's chemically impossible. Adrenal fatigue is a couple steps into a mental breakdown.

Anxiety is no joke, my friend. And the worst is anxiety for no reason other than you bodily chemicals can't work correctly. As bad of a rap as the media gives cortisol, you do need it to live and it is responsible for thyroid function and homeostasis. 

A: I am on hydrocortisone, synthetic cortisol.
C: Careful with cortisol, it makes you fat.
A: Sounds like Dr. Oz is trying to sell more stuff on his show.

One of the biggest battles a lot of people face is actually resting enough. As soon as you start to feel better you want to go-go-go! Truth is, you got to keep resting past that point. The first upswing is just the first layer of healing and it's a tender layer over the wound. You need a little longer or you will hurt yourself easily.

I went to CVS to fill two more prescriptions - with my lover. Woot-woot! Big outting.

Now I need to stop thinking - and I'm always thinking.

If I could take a couple days off work, I would. I can't though, I need to save up my time for the wedding and moving and if something really, really bad happens. Besides, I don't look sick.

Focus on Something (Pretty)

I do my nails.

It takes time and focus and I can't do much with wet nails. It makes me sit around. It is highly girly, but, my nails are an easily cleaned canvas that I can spend time redecorating and trying out stuff. I think the only reason I am as good (and I use that word lightly) at doing my own nails is because of the amount of time I have forced myself to focus on doing them.

Because my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) comes out a lot more with my fatigue and anxiety, I find I can epically focus on my nails and perfecting the brush stroke or color combos or anything and it stops me from washing my hands or spotting contaminates or needing to move around furniture.

At the end, it does feel like a little treat when I look and feel like crap. I can go, oh, look, pretty nails.

Then remove all the polish because one of them was wrong at the edge and I need to redo them all. . . 

This week, I purchased Essie's Imported Bubbly which I used over LadyLike (thought my LadyLike is a mauve like color, not like on the site)

Worry About the Future

I spend a lot of time worrying about what the future will hold. Some of these feelings I think are totally rational, but, others are anxiety-laced and then I start actually raising my heart rate which taxes my body and I'm back into running a marathon rather than resting.

Common worries - When will I end up on medication forever? When will I get full-blown  Addison's Disease? When will the next bout hit? What am I putting my future husband through? What if something else is wrong? What if this doesn't stop? What if I need to go to the ER? How can I explain this to someone? How can I explain this at work? What if people don't believe me? What if I need help? What if I should be doing something else? What if it's all in my head? What if it's not in my head? What if I can't fake it? What am I going to do when someone makes fun of me? Who am I going to hurt next? Should I look up things? What if someone has a question I can't answer? Am I suppose to tell people I have this chronic illness? What if I never have another bout and everyone thinks I am faking? What if all the good days are behind me? Should I find another doctor? How do I know if I am getting better?

Learn from the Master

Lucky the Cat is basically the best teacher of relaxing. It's nice to have some animal company. I always had a bond with animals and he is my little buddy and companion whenever I am home.

Animal have a way of teaching us what is important. Wait, that's pretty canned.

Animals have a way of being so darn cute!

They also give me something to focus on beside being sick. Since Lucky doesn't need much, he gives me something to take care of so I don't feel like a total waste of space during these times and gives me a lot of affection.

Since I am cold a lot, he keeps my toes nice and toasty.

Get a Heating Pad
It doesn't work all the time for everything but this pad works great on relaxing and easing the pain of my

adrenals.

I won't say this takes all the pain away, but, when you are in crippling pain, even a little change can make a big difference in your attitude and your outlook.

It also helps keep me warm - even though it is August. I am not sure why it happens, but, I get freezing cold when my adrenals don't work right. When I start to get too cold, it actually wake up my neuropathy.

One of the creepiest thing is when my toes spasm out of control. It's creepy.

Sometimes, when the pain is really bad, I start to panic thinking something else is wrong and I am not sure if I should go to the hospital or something. Once, I was tempted to go to the Urgent Care Clinic that just opened, but, then I remembered, most people don't think I have any sickness and if they don't, it would be a lot of wasted energy for them to tell me I just want attention or that there is nothing they can do. 

I mistrust doctors. I love heating pads.

Eat Good Food
Food be thy medicine!

While eating has been tricky - I lost a solid 5lbs the past few day between thyroid issues and physical ones - I make sure to load up on whole, healthy foods.

Did I mention the relationship between the adrenals and thyroid? Oh yeah...

Rice is easy on me, so, I made some with peppers. Rice is not the most nutritionally dense food, but, it is something that is good. I got some chicken in me the other night with rice - and during the week, I have be adding some Vega One to my smoothies - you can read my first impressions in my Things I Eat: Vega Nutritional Shake 

When sick, it's key to fuel up right and not with junk food. For me, I increase my salt intake because adrenal issues normally come with an inability to retain salt. Because of the general imbalance of hormones, insulin levels and all that, I have also been drinking a lot of water. Like. .a LOT of water. Probably over two gallons a day.

Being that I don't normally drink that much, it's a lot. Is that even normal?

Sure, drinking a lot of water is good, but, when water comes out of you, it does take a lot of other stuff with it. You don't want to be washing your body out of salts and other things it needs. It can kill you or cause damage. Even athletes who sweat and drink a lot know to replenish with sugars and salts. 

I also make sure I have a nice dining companion. Like Josh Groban who has been serenading me.

Last Thoughts

One day, one step at a time!

And throwing it all on the table. BOOM. This is what my life is like right now.

I am working really hard on being honest with my situation and letting people know I am actually pretty sick even if I look normal. I normally don't have a problem saying  "no" to people and all that - but I do have a problem being honest about why I don't do things.

Deep down, this is an issue that deeply affects me and those around me. I was sick with many blood-borne illness and organ issues and other related injuries for 15 years. It's big. It's a part of me. As much as I try to force it away, it is with me and to deny it happened to make other people feel ok in social situations - and maybe even including myself - cripples me in the long run. 

Here's to another day closer to normal. 

Things I Eat: Vega Nutritional Shake

Sad Blog Face

I have been having some trouble eating lately because I’m in a lot of physical pain, I’m freezing cold, my rib cage is on fire, my back hurts so much I lay on the floor for relief and I am so fatigued I can’t think straight or walk down the hall without panting – I am also nauseous at my mouth tastes like blood. Well, I have a metallic taste in my mouth, as the professional say, to me it I have a taste of blood. I have been drinking a lot of water, too, which makes me feel full a lot.

But enough about my awesome life with malfunction adrenals!

I picked up two single serve packets of Vega Nutritional Shake at Whole Foods during a few hours of lucidity this week and I was sort of pumped to try them. While I have been sort of grazing at salads and some chicken, I want to get some more nutrition into myself and I know my normal smoothie of berries and spinach is not going to cut it.

I make great smoothies, but, I make them knowing I will be eating again. Since I am not sure and it’s going to be a couple weeks of life like this, I figured I better find ways to get more good stuff into me. Or decently good stuff.

I generally am against these types of products, I think you should eat the actual food and not over-processed powders that attempt to replace actual food. Eat food, people.I think a lot of these "meal replacements" or "shakes" are a little bit of crap. They advertise being weight loss solutions and being jacked with protein – but, really? If you ate normal food you’d probably be a lot better off.

I'm not talking about stuff like Soylent which is a food replacement product powder you re-hydrate to replace ALL of your eating. I think Soylent is a great thing, actually because it can easily be transported to those who don’t have food.

I'm also not talking about Ensure which is a good booster if you are going through medical treatments or something. I use to drink Ensure. I can't drink it now because it has diary in it (I'm assuming) and the mere thought of those cans makes me feel sick.

Just sayin’

Why Vega

It was there. A single serving of Vega Nutritional Shake French Vanilla. Sloth is my favorite sin. Sometimes motivation in life is pretty darn basic.

You can purchase this produce in jars and buckets and stuff. I'm not ready for that type of commitment. I just got two packets.

I do have a truck-load of pyramid-scheme loving friends who have been advertising Shakeology, Isagenix. . and then the normal Pampered Chef or nail polish something or other. .Tupperwear.

OMG, people, I won’t go to your party! Ever. And I'm not buying that crap.

Anyhow, I picked Vega because it’s vegan and I could purchase a sample right there in the store. The product states:

Formulated by Brendan Brazier, professional Ironman triathlete and bestselling author on performance nutrition, Vega One Nutritional Shake is free from dairy, gluten and soy, and contains no added sugar, artificial flavors, colors or sweeteners.

I don’t know who Brendan Brazier is. I thought he might be a chemist, but, he’s not. I bet he got help creating this.

I’m in blinding pain and exhausted but I did look up Shakeology (which claims it's the "The Healthiest Meal Replacement Shake") for a general comparison and saw it contains milk. Yes, Shakeology sellers, I did see they had a Chocolate Vegan – but I don’t like chocolate. I didn't really look into the other stuff because I have to order it or drive around to another store. I don’t have that kind of energy.

Or care.

So, I picked up the Vega "Natural" and the "French Vanilla" flavors. Both have vanilla in it. I don’t know what that means. The powder was green. I also don’t know what that means.

Nutrition
My first concern is always, always, always if the product contains something I can’t have. This produce probably has some wheat in it. But, probably not enough to make much of a difference to me. I did check to see if “beans” were in it and I couldn't identify anything that was bean-y.

According to the fancy-pants myvega.com site, each flavor pouch or serving contains:

• The protein of 2.7 eggs.
• The probiotics of 1 cup of yogurt.
• The omega-3s of 2.3 servings of salmon.
• The fiber of 3.2 slices of bread.
• The greens of 3 servings of vegetables (they have a picture of broccoli).
• The antioxidants of 2.7 cups of blueberries.

(On the French Vanilla packaging it has 15g protein or something highlighted in blue. However, each pouch contains the same nutrition so it's just marketing. I think the only amount that changes between my two selections is the sugar - French Vanilla has more than the Natural. Always check the back of stuff, people.)

What I actually liked about this is, if you think about it, you could eat this all in the course of a day. Sure, it doesn't contain all the calories and benefits of the whole food but you could eat this in a day. I think that’s a lot of where I come from when it comes to nutrition. I don’t drink juice because I normally wouldn't eat 5 oranges in a sitting or 10 apples. I have a juicer and like two apples made enough juice for me.

Anyhow, this seems to be about the same as:

• Breakfast: Veggie omelet with a cup of yogurt and toast 
• Snack: Blueberries for a snack
• Lunch: Salmon with some veggies
• Dinner: Veggie pasta

As I stated, this isn't a whole day meal replacement and, of course, it doesn't contain all the nutrition you would get from eating all that food throughout the day.

However, for me, needing some extra help at getting nutrition, I really don’t feel too bad about adding this green powder to my smoothie.

Taste
Taste is so retaliative - so I will do my best to be honest.

I first tried the French Vanilla and my eyeball did close for a while and I was stuck in the "icky-baby-face" pose for a little while.

I’m not use to drinking sweet vanilla type things, so, that was a little rough. But, I don’t think it’s bad by any stretch – I am just not use to having something like this. I watered it down a little more to dilute the flavor and that helped me. I probably didn't use enough water, in retrospect.

I can’t speak much of aftertaste. Tasted like blood. Oh wait. My mouth just tastes like blood all the time. Yummy, yummy vampire jam.

For comparison, it tasted not unlike a French Vanilla Ensure drink. Maybe a little gritty but not to some shocking level. I did mix it with my normal blend of a about a cup or two of spinach and about a cup of frozen berries and I couldn't taste anything but the French Vanilla. It knocks out taste, that’s for sure.

The Natural flavor was more my speed. Granted, I used about half a pouch but it has a mild vanilla. . .maybe like pancake batter. . .flat taste. The taste of my smoothie came through a little better with this one so less shocking.

I would think most people would like the chocolate but nothing stops you from putting a couple scoops of cocoa powder in this shake.

I normally dislike berry flavored things because I eat a lot of real berries. I don’t know if I want to try it.

Tummy Thoughts
This felt super filling to me.

SUPER FILLING.

After an hour, I was totally full and I still had a good amount

to go. Probably a little less than half of my original jar full. This might be because I'm not hungry and my core is full of pain-demons, but, normally I can throw back my smoothie in a few minutes. Sometimes I sip it or if I don't have time, I down it.

PS: I also love this Ball Jar. It doesn't leak like all those plastic containers I was using. I can’t wait until I drop it and it shatters into thousands of green-laced shards. . .but, I digress.

I don’t feel any worse in the tummy zone. I was drinking it slowly just to be sure, as well as just not wanting to eat anything. All I really notice is it is very sweet and the vanilla flavor it has probably doesn't exist in nature and I feel pretty full.

Final Thoughts
If you are looking for a shake – I would first work on just changing your natural food choices to be better nutritional choices and give that a couple weeks. Everyone wants something that is instant. Just eat things that are close to the earth first.

If you need a little boost or you don’t think you are getting enough good stuff in you – I think this is a reasonable option. If you are vegetarian or vegan or, like me, eat a lot of roughage, the flavor of these things can be a little shocking to the taste. If you are using this for a breakfast or lunch replacement and you normally eat processed stuff, it might be an easier transition. If you hate-hate-hate the taste of the good stuff you would want to put in a smoothie, you could use one of the flavors to mask it, I bet. Or you could just put in extracts of your favorite flavors like mint or vanilla or even a scoop or two of cocoa powder.

I’m hoping this provides a little boost of the good stuff while I lack the desire to eat the good stuff. I miss being feisty.

Texts With Melissa: Attention Calls

It's time, once again, for Texts With Melissa!

A lot of people wonder how I can maintain a relationship with someone who is pretty fashionable and together.

Let's check up on how our friendship is doing!

And if you are like me, you'll analyse this simple situation and draw conclusions like these -

And that is how we do!

Things I Eat: Now That's a Salad

What up food-citizens?

Check out this super-easy, mostly raw-vegan dinner that is beyond delicious!

You: Whoa, that’s a lot of vegetables. I don’t think that can be good. I had veggies once and they were bad.
Amanda: You have no idea – I’ll take you on a flavor adventure!

 Plus, you can eat as much as you want which is how good food should be. Let's review the ingredients!

Ingredients

• Rice Noodles: Boil up some rice noodles – I like the fettuccine noodles – especially if I am using chopsticks. Different types of noodles have actually been engineered for different reasons (Check out the Pasta Dictionary for more info). Rice noodles are like $1-$2 a pack at Trader Joe’s, by the way. Rice noodles are a great backdrop, hard to mess up and don’t have as nutty of a flavor as wheat noodles. Since I avoid wheat.
• Broccoli: Broc is earthy and full of textures that can easily be modified by cutting it in different ways. Raw broccoli can be bitter and intense where steamed broccoli is mellow and smooth. Most people know mushy, weird broccoli and hate it. I’m totally ok thawing out some broc and being done with it, but, if you need some magic – preheat your oven to 425, lay your boc on a cooking sheet (put some tin foil on there so you don’t have to clean anything), toss with olive oil, salt and pepper and roast in the oven 20-25 minutes, until some part are brown and caramelized in deliciousness.
• Sweet potatoes: Sweet, crunchy and absorbent of flavors with no aftertaste, it will support anything you do and goes excellently with savory! If you have a sweet tooth, this addition is like “what awesome just happened to my life?!” when consumed – Just go to town on it with your veggie peeler and get some nice thin strips all up in your bowl. YES, you eat this raw. It's ok. Trust me.
• Sun dried tomatoes: Ever lick tomato paste? Yeah, sweet, acidly strips of sun dried tomatoes are bursts of intense flavor. I keep a jar and/or bag in my fridge and toss them into whatever. Since you won’t taste them in every bite, they add a lot of taste-bud interest. 
• Toasted sesame seeds: Not just for take out! Trust me, these little seeds-of-the-gods add a nutty flavor and light texture to any dish (Also high in mineral content and calcium and containing two proteins that are not normally found in other vegetable proteins, my sassy sweet meat-haters).

What You Do

Next, let’s chat FLAVOR! First, I enjoy making different combinations in my bowl - maybe taking a little

more of one thing over another thing. With these simple ingredients – you have 5 foods so you could have like 31 unique combination possibilities for your mouth and soul.

Most people would dump some type of cream sauce, cheese or whatever on this and call it a day. What do you mean salad dressing? Anything to mask the purity of these items.They are the worst!

You can get rich flavors using touches of totally simple things! I'm not going to tell you what to do, you got to try all this out yourself because food should be personal. Here is what you need:

• Flavored oil: Flavored oil is fantastic and a little drizzle will do you up real good – it is absorbed into foods, can carry flavor and gives you a kick of fats that your body craves! Get yourself some flavored oils and get your mind blown! Basil oil? Olive oil? Red pepper oil? Garlic oil? I don't know you, you do your thing. If you are like “I’m not going to get flavored oils, ever” just use olive oil and some garlic powder or basil flakes. It’ll do – but won’t be as awesome as the flavor from an infused oil.
• Soy Sauce: If you are sticking with an Asian palette, this will deliver you that kick you want. You could use Sriracha, too.
• Salt: Be careful of if you are using soy sauce - if not sprinkle on a little sea salt – or some Iodized table salt because you DO need some iodine in your diet if you are like me and use sea salt for almost anything. Table salt is good for you.

What I Did

I have a garlic infused grapeseed oil that is the best ever. I drizzle a little garlic oil over my mixture, and add a little olive oil – the garlic is for flavor but it can be intense so a little olive oil helps move it around.

Let’s chat about soy sauce and how much over processed, over salted soy sucks.

Glad we agree!

I use Bragg's Liquid Amino which is a liquid protein concentrate that contains 16 amino acids – the mofo building blocks of LIFE – but tastes just like junky soy sauce. Make good choices, people. Give a couple squirts of that on there and mix it up. Give everything a moment to get all acquainted with everything, then get your favorite part of chopsticks and dig in!   

You: Wait, did you just dump some veggies into a bowl with noodles and add some like soy sauce and oil?
Amanda: You better believe it.
You: So, this took you about the same amount of time to boil water?
Amanda: Yeppers – about 25 minutes, let’s say, if you roasted the broc.
You: And, you have like one pasta pot and a cookie sheet to clean up? Plus a bowl?
Amanda: Sloth is my favorite. Sometimes I use noodles I made the day before.
You: This doesn't seem glamorous at all – not like on the Food Network where people with very white teeth talk about how great they are at making a mess.
Amanda: This ain't Hollywood snob food – this is sweatpant and sloth good eatin’!

Image Credit:
Oils from olioandolive.com

Things I Eat

Well, I'm going to do a series - every Friday it'll pop up and it will be called Things I Eat and it will start August 1, 2014! This series will, hopefully, show how it is possible to live a full life with a highly restricted diet - along with peppering of my own thoughts toward nutrition and food-choices.

Why? Because I can't eat most of the things that God has provide us. To review - I cannot consume the following foods without horrible consequences*

• Dairy - milk, cheese, casein, etc
• Egg - yoke, whites, Egg Beaters
• Beans - hummas, veggie burgers
• Canola - from the rapeseed plant, basically anything fried
• Wheat - whole grain, bread, etc
• Yeast - wine, beer, all condiments, anything fermented
• Soy - tofu, tempeh,textured vegetable protein

*consequences are not anaphylactic shock, just a total destruction of my entire digestive tract

Exciting.

My Life

I will post a picture of a steak!

I live in a world where I go to what normal people would considered a nice, relaxing dinner and I'll be in horrific fear they will have some ingredient in my food that will cause a massive issue in my body.

Trust? Sure, I can tell them all the items I can't have but if they are wrong or make a mistake . . .it could be months of pain for me.

What type of pain? My issues include the normal things like diarrhea and constipation. One or both of these can lead to the sexy hemorrhoids which 1/3 people have at any given time and suck.

Then there is the crippling pain stomach pain, acid reflux, crippling lower intestine pain, gallbladder swelling, crippling lower intestine  pain, massive bloating, gas, vomiting, inability to operate - oh, and this triggers my adrenals to react to the stress of detail with a toxin substance in my body and fail which led to fatigue, insomnia, mood swings, closing throat, thyroid crashes. . .

What I Eat

The bulk of my diet involves drinking smoothies. I have one as my main meal about five days a week. Maybe people think I do this because I am forcing myself to be healthy. I actually truly enjoy my smoothies and my NutriBullet which offers me the ability to consume a large amount of foods without fear.

I do not eat a lot of packaged food. I do try to find them, but, other than Herr's Potato Chips and packaged nuts, I avoid packaged foods. I don't know what Sodium caseinate is. . .so. . .why take a chance? (It's a milk by-product, by the way)

Because of my restrictions, I have been forced out of the mythical "comfort zone" of food. I eat as many different foods as possible and I am always willing to try something new or to try to alter a recipe.

Alter - eh? Well, I have to alter most if I want to eat them. I take the Alton Brown approach, I figure out the role the ingredient plays in the food and then try to find out if it is needed or how to substitute it.

I am also very, very, very lazy. I think food should taste good, be easy and/or fun to make, be healthy and not cause me medical harm.

Trust
Sure, I totally trust people making food for me. I also trust eating with people - because there is nothing like having a nice meal and having every bite scrutinized by those you are sitting with. Here are some comments:

M: I got this Greek yogurt ranch rather than buttermilk so you can have it.
A: I can't have dairy.
M: It's not dairy.
A: Where do you think yogurt comes from?

D: Wine doesn't have yeast in it.
A: How do you think it ferments?
D: There's no yeast in it.

W: We have hot dogs, hamburgers and you can have a black bean veggie burger.
A: I can't have beans.
W: I thought you liked veggies . . .

J: What is that?!
A: A smoothie. It looks weird because of the blueberry in it.
J: That's disgusting.

Coping
I tell a lot of people who try to understand my dietary needs I'm vegan. But, being vegan means cutting out the whole meat thing which I can eat - which is meat. However, saying "vegan" means they will most likely produce a salad of glorious greens and not serve me anything with eggs or dairy.

The problem with the "vegan disguise" is I also can't eat beans and soy. A lot of staples in a meat-less life include heavy amounts of all types of beans and processed soy.

Conclusion
So, me eating is an adventure! And I am going to document it all dramatically with what exactly I do eat. 'Cause I do eat. I do. Really. I eat. I eat good. I eat good food.

A lot.

Sometimes.

I'm normal!!!

Special Edition: Whine and Wine

I'm really not good at opening things.

The bad news is I can't get the cork out. The good news is that the bottle is open.

What's Eating You?

I'd like to think I am part of some type of solution - I think the closer you are to a problem, the more you only see it. Sometimes, it's all coincidence.

If you, or someone you know, seems to be struggling with an eating disorder - contact National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA).

NEDA is the leading non-profit organization in the United States advocating on behalf of and supporting individuals and families affected by eating disorders. Reaching millions every year, NEDA campaigns for prevention, improved access to quality treatment, and increased research funding to better understand and treat eating disorders. NEDA works with partners and volunteers to develop programs and tools to help everyone who seeks assistance.

Do Something With My Hair

Memories

I have sort of long hair now. Normally, I would have chopped it off by now and donated to Locks of Love but since I am getting married in October, I didn't think I would have enough to make me pretty.

You can check out my thoughts on my previous donations from my Donate to Locks for Love post.

So, I have a lot of hair and without having air conditioning in my place - or very pathetic cooling systems, getting this hair-monster off my neck and back is great.

I also sometimes get negative comments about the "free" nature of my hair. I mean, I don't know how to dress it up - however, there should be enough of it there to do something. Meanwhile, it's half wave, half curl and all frizz. Even after I assault it with the straightening iron.

Friend: You should do something with your hair.
Me: I did.
Friend: . . .oh. I mean. It looks great.

Research
The Internet is full of "quick," "simple," "beautiful," "amazing" ideas - some that don't involve porn or major skills. Keep in mind, I really don't have a lot of skills. But, that doesn't really stop me from trying out stuff.

Like, the waterfall braid. That was a fail. I can braid - I learned when I rode horses because we had to braid their manes. Maybe my Mom showed me once, but, I was not into it.

But, I digress.

The first issue, everyone has hair products and hair items and nice straight hair. What I found was most of these "simple chic" hair styles involved a lot of hairspray (still haven't figured it out) and hair gel, finishing spray and maybe a curling iron and some other tool.

Seriously - here are instructions on one of these hairstyles:

How to: Spritz a volume booster into your damp hair, like Chi Volume Booster, $14. Create a deep side part and tie your hair into a ponytail at the crown. Take random strands of hair and apply a little Redken Velvet Gelatine 07, $17.50, before setting your hair with a medium barrel iron to create the curls, says Kris Sorbie, Education Artistic Director of Redken 5th Avenue. When the curls have cooled, rake your fingers through them to break them up and randomly pin the curls into a messy bun. Tie a pretty scarf around your head to complete the look. (From Scarf-tied updo)

Sure, ponytail twist by Joanna Goddard, with your little flowers and easy-breezy hair and lifestyle blog with great pictures - sure. . .I'm far to low on the chain of feminine skills to pull this simple thing off. Why? Hair pins. .everywhere. In my cerebellum and probably all over my kitchen floor. And in my bed, I always miss a few in there and find them days later.

Let's not even talk about the Tie and Tease by the Beauty Department. First, really. .straight hair again?

Plus, I don't tease or tie things. I always figured teasing on a daily bases would ruin your hair. I don't need that. Although, I do envy those girls who have this sweet, effortless hair.

In about five seconds, my hair would be looking for its next victim. . .

Pork chop bone? Toddler?

Hey, you going to eat that toddler? Hey, come here kid.

*screams*

What I Did
I decided to go for the ultimate titled hair Scarf Updo because it seemed to hit on all the stuff I was into. I might point out I did try this a while ago but I did not use pins. I also tried used a scarf which was slippery. Oh, and I have no skills. When I did it, I thought my hair was falling out from the design at an alarming rate but I could shove it back in.

The feedback I got was:

Friend: What are you doing with your hair?
Me: Oh, I have it up.
Friend: Really? That looks bad. You normally look more put together.

In my ONLY defense, I did have a hulking set of headphones on most of the day and I was doing voiceover stuff. I ripped those things off my head a few times in unrelenting reading rage. . .

(There is a lot of rage in this post for some reason)

Anyhow, since I fail at most things, I figured I might as well keep trying and even if I ended up with something I would never want to be seen in public with, at least I have something to do while watching TV and my hair is out of my way if I am cleaning. Once it gets to a certain length, the ponytail does nothing.

Nothing!

Here is how to do the scarf updo:

1. Get a headband - perhaps something with some traction on hair - I used a Goody Slide Proof Headwrap which has these silicone dots to grab hair without pulling. 
2. Put the headband on your head like you're a hippy - this keeps the back part up on the back of your head. You can probably adjust this to where ever you want your bunch of hair to rest. I found the "hippie" method works for me. The Scarf Updo by Cristophe doesn't do it this way.
3. Divide your hair into two sections or at least know you have two sections. This keeps stuff more neat back there 'cause you can't see anything. 
4. Take about an inch tendril of hair and loop it up and into the band. Don't do it the other way. That's a mess. Wrap it around once and then pick up some more hair and wrap around again.
5. Once you get to the end of the one side - pin the hell out of that end piece. 
6. Repeat on the other side. If you are like me, you get super-impatient and one side looks "better" than the other but you can really do whatever and it looks good. Looks good messy, is the point.
7. Stab at will with hairpins. Seriously. At will.
8. Optional: You could do a couple tendrils into brains before wrapping and get some other funk in there.  

I was actually pretty pleased with my later attempts - practice does make improvement! And I would totally wear this to work if I didn't work in a missing link to the arctic. I totally would love to find some other scarfs or headbands to decorate this up.

Small victory!

Email: When Wrong Goes Right

I received an e-fax! It was for a credit reference between two companies.

Sure, who doesn't get a wrong number or have something sent that was meant for someone else? I think as part of our jobs as humans is to look out for each other. Really - wouldn't you want someone looking out for you? So, I did what I could:

The text of the email is:

Hello Parts Express and British Audio Services, 

I think you two should talk – like a little B2B action. I am really happy I could get you two together – honestly. I tried before, but, I have a good feeling this time. 

I have been getting the notices from Parts Express that I need to fill out a credit reference for British Audio Services. I’m pretty sure this is because someone fat-fingered a number somewhere. It’s ok – we can all still make magic work here before it is too late!

• Parts Express: I want to connect YOU to your customers because business makes the world turn. I mean, I can tell Penny is a hard worker by the fearless way she penned “2nd request” but I can see there is some hesitation by that lowercase “e” – sure, she got her message across – or did she? Penny – you can BE A HERO by talking with British Audio Services and getting this whole thing fixed! Their number is  (615) 891-1788 and they are (probably a little hungover in the morning) open until 10a-6pm M-F and 10-5p on Saturday. Just subtract an hour from that, you guys aren’t in the same time-zone. Oh, and they rest on the lords day. 
• British Audio Services: You rock it, I know you do. Any company in TN with “British” in their name will walk into party with sock AND loafers and say, “What of it? I’m here to party.” If I ever go to TN, I will think about stopping by and making friends so I could fill out this credit reference for you. In the meantime, I think you have an order pending with Parts Express. Trust me, it won’t be that express if you don’t get this done, right? How about you give my friend Penny a call at Parts Express and get this whole caboodle fixed up? Just ring her at 937-743-3000. They are all being express over there from 8a-6p M-F and are a little hungover on Saturday with 9a-5p hours on Saturday. Just add an hour to that and you will be A-ok!

Ok – we all got our instructions? Annnnnnnd. . . .don’t let me die in your spam filter. . .GO!

I totally thought I would end up in someone's spam filter or at the very least, get another notice about this mysterious credit reference - I did not! What a delightful success!

Here is the text of the email:

Hello Amanda.  A copy of your email below came to the Customer Service team today and we have since forwarded it to Penny who will get this “caboodle fixed up” right away.  Wow, thank you for getting involved!   

I just have to tell you much my team and I enjoyed your email.  We are still laughing after numerous reads! Your sense of humor wowed us and we all said “We love this gal!” The world needs more people like you!  Going forward, feel free to copy us on all your funny correspondence.  LOL       

And, if you are ever in southern Ohio, please stop by and make friends with 

How nice! I also got a response from the other company - go accurate spam filters:

Here is the text:

Dear Amanda,  

You've really got me laughing, thank you... And, my apologies for any inconveniences this may have caused you.  

You're obviously a real talent with a great sense of humor.  Your writing is extraordinary and you've put more effort into this credit app than the blokes at parts express. Haha.  

Please do visit us if ever in Nashville as I'd love to meet you in person and enjoy a cold beer together. Certainly it would be my honor.  

I will do my best to keep "penny" from faxing your line any more.  

Kind regards

See people - this is what happens when we all look out for each other. 

Texts With Melissa: Adult Dreams & Gloating

Whoever said you can't find joy in someone else's suffering. . .well. .doesn't come to my blog that often. In this edition, the only reason I am communicating with Melissa is to prove the place I work is better because I get to go outside. . .

Let's break it down!

And that's how friends do.

Things I Eat: Vegan Mac & Sweet-Savory Comfort Food

I use to inhale Kraft Mac & Cheese as a kid, no lie. But, now it’s time to throw out that blue box of chemicals and weird powdered cheese and be an adult!

A food eating adult!

A food eating adult who loves a healthy take on macaroni and cheese! I mean, there are tons of ways macaroni & cheese has been changed and updated and reinvented, why not a way in which someone who can't have dairy, wheat, soy, yeast, canola or fun enjoy it?

This is pretty simple to make – sloth is one of my favorite sins, after all.

What You Need

• Sweet potato – for me, I used half of a large tater. I think a whole, large sweet tater could feed a lot of people. 
• Onion
• Garlic power or a couple garlic cloves
• Olive oil
• Sea salt
• Warm/hot non-dairy, non-flavored milk (or just water)
• Fresh chives (to taste)
• A bunch of kale

Optional

• Anything you would like to dress up your mac & cheese with! 
• Chilli powered for a kick
• Daiya Cheeder Cheese (vegan, soy free, wheat free, yada yada - it IS rich in chemicals and stuff so if you can and want to do real cheese, do it!)
• Breadcrumbs
• Salsa
• Tomatoes
• Bacon (if you roll that way)

What You Do

• You’re going to want to roast that sweet tater. I molested mine with olive oil and cut it up into hunks to speed up the cooking. Pop it in the oven (or a toaster oven) at about 400 for anywhere between 25-45 minutes based on size. You want it to be warm and smushy. Don’t worry if it burns a little. I also added an onion which I quartered and separated. Onion is great. 
• Boil up some noodles, ya noodle! I used elbow rice noodles. You could really even use some zuke noodles (that’s slang for zucchini noodles which you can eat raw and involve just shredding out a zucchini in whatever way you want)
• Do a little dance.
• Blend your flavors! When the tater is done, pop it and the onions into your food processor and add a touch of olive oil, the garlic, sea salt, kale and chives (and anything else you want blended in there). Blend until it’s smooth. It will be super-thick, and that’s fine! Add in water or your non-dairy, non-flavored milk to make it the consistency you would like. If you are using the Daiya Cheese or any other type of vegan cheese, add it now. You can warm it up in the microwave if things got too cold for it to melt.
• Put the mixture over your noodles of choice. Add any toppings you would like – savor!

Graphic Designing 3

Another one of my designs made it to jacket! I had done this logo a while ago because my team doesn't have a good one - seriously, we don't. We have logo we use for a set of classes we no longer teach, but, nothing legit for our team.

We also need to get Disney out of the corporate world - everything has to be a fat, rounded cartoon. I understand people like cartoons, but, I would like to stand behind a symbol that gives me some credibility with adults.

A big BIG shout out to Promotional Images who were the people who got my design on the jacket and did a bang-up job dealing with the madness that comes from two to three layers of management all wanting a say in everything. I strongly recommend them!

See my other graphical adventures here:

• Graphic Contend

Science of Clue

A friend and I trucked into Philadelphia to the Franklin Institute for Science After Dark for their CLUE®: Forensic Science Meets the Classic Mystery!

If you remember, I went to another one of these, Franklin Institute MacGyver Night. It was pretty fun.

This time, it was something totally up my alley! Forensics! Few people seem to enjoy this little interest of mine, but, I wasn't going to go alone. I took a good friend of mine and we were able to get into the city without any problems. It was much nicer out that during MacGyver Night, which made a world of difference.

The even is adults only - which is amazing. I enjoy people who have and love their kids and all that, sometimes I just don't want to be around them. It's adults only because there is alcohol served, so, there is a good amount of toasted people. Six of one. . .?

The Game
At the start, you get a little card with all the weapons, rooms and people on it. You have to go around the museum to find everything and what is left, that's the murdered! Sort of like a live-action Clue. Some of the employees and/or interns were dressed up as the Clue characters like Mrs. White and Mr. Green. If you saw them, you could cross them off.

Each area of the museum had a name tapped to the floor - like dinning room or kitchen. And then, there were bright orange weapons hidden around - like a rope or candlestick.

It was cool!

The Exhibits
I like how they have "real" people running the tables. Like master/PhD students, police officers - more on that level than people in the ivory tower of education. Everything is also hands on.

For example, there was a guy who was an anthropologist who did facial reconstructions from skulls and he tried to teach us how to make an ear. Mine was bad, his was good. He had some information and pictures of skulls they found and how they reconstructed them based on math and art - and then the picture of the person when s/he was live. Amazing!

There was a blood splatter exhibit - and the lady said she taught something close to it but not exactly just that. Because it's not really a "science" - sorry Dexter fans, it's a piece of a larger group of study. She did have some interest facts about how if you see two patterns, the person was hit three times. And the math of figuring out what happened. She said the blood splatter was used mostly when more than one person was killed at a time only to figure out order of events. This could then be used for or against a survivor. But really, a lot more goes into it. Also, after 7 feet, a blood drop doesn't change size when it hits something.

I was not as interested in the chemical stuff. They did have a guy who showed how an acid reacts to (a body's remains) baking soda based on different soil samples. Like when someone might have dropped a body on the beach, they can use the scrapping from the shoe and test it. It was cool, but, less. . .I don't know. . .less interesting to me.

They had a handwriting exhibit and some presentation that was very loud about drinking clubs or something. It was too loud and crowded for me. I know they were talking about the 21 Club and it made me wish I could get all fancy for a night on the town in a place where everyone else is also fancy.

They also opened up the observatory so you could go outside and see their telescope - and Jupiter - and they had some other telescopes set on various buildings and landmarks around Philly. My friend was pretty interested in that - but he wanted to really see all the colors and swirls of Jupiter and that wasn't going to happen.

What I found awesome was their 3D printer! What?! I knew about them, never saw one. It was really cool! Some of the objects take a couple hours or days to make, but, they made some candlesticks and stuff - and one piece, interlocking items. Very cool!

I did skip the "live show" which was about autopsy. I popped my head in to see it thinking it would be as cool as the BOOM! Show (can't find link). It was not. It was a little lame with two girls making those un-funny, sweeping jokes about. . whatever. One was pretending to be the body and the other would come up and say, "Now, to remove your brain!" and the other girl would say, "No, not my brain!" and then the other girl would say, "I thought you were a body! Shhh! Be a dead body!" and. . .that was funny.

The Results
A stellar time. As always, I tend to get tired after a full day of work and then getting into the city and running around with all those people. I did pretty good, though. On the way back to the train station, I got a good "view" of Philly

I really would like to keep going to these events! I can't wait for the Science of Carnivals.

Texts With Melissa: Hash-Tags & Selfies

I think being my friend is sort of like riding on the back of a bicycle being driven by a drunk Western Grey Kangaroo. I think it is equal parts exciting, horrifying and smelly. I am also not sure what person would want to be part of this type of situation.

This is probably why I can't have friends.

Unless they agree to text only in pictures and hash-tags like my buddy Melissa!

Let's dig a little deeper into this situation - sure hash-tags and selfies are all the rage these days, but, there is a great deal you can learn, too.