Halloween: Get a Clue

This year, I have two costumes because I have two Halloween events. Halloween is totally my thing - as I ranted philosophically before in my Halloween is my Thing post.

Costume 1:
Clue! My team assembled to do Clue this year (A mixture of the movie Clue and the game Clue - you can read more on the Wiki on Clue).

I play Mrs. White, a five time married woman who's husbands all died. . .of mysterious means?

Check back in for more updates on my second costume - since I don't know how it will come together. And possibly more group pictures from my Clue compadres. Clu-padres!

My apologies - I do not know currently where the image is from. :(

Question: Why Kids?

I have a question I know is really odd - but, not to me. It is not meant to be offensive, I just want to understand something that doesn't exist in me

Why do people want to have kids?

Is it a feeling like you want to hold something? Or because an age or the experience of guiding a child is fun and fulfilling? Is it because children look cute?

I have lived most of my life - even before I was sexually developed - explaining why I do not want to have children. Mostly I have been met with, "you'll change your mind."

So, world - why do you want to have children? Keep in mind - if you comment - I am open to these ideas and thoughts. I really want to understand more about people who aren't like me because I think it's cool.

Things I Eat: Salted Maple Popcorn

Yeah, yeah, I hear you:

• But, Manda, don’t you miss good stuff? 
• Like, what can you eat that’s good? 
• Dairy free, egg free, wheat free – what’s next, taste free? Haha. 
• I wish I had a food allergy so I could lose some weight. 
• You’re so lucky – I look at food and gain weight.
• Don’t you miss like real food?
• Everything you eat is weird.

First, everything I eat is utterly fantastic. Second, let me help you all STFU with a tasty treat.

Background
I am often surprised how my adventurous, food-loving friends fail to use every resource in their fridge or at the grocery store.

Like maple syrup. The bottle with the sugar crystals holding the lid on? People think it's just for pancakes and when you want to be “modern” you put it in some cake frosting. Seriously – I put it in my coffee. It’s delicious. It's natural. It's the blood of trees.

Blood. Of. Trees.

I’m also surprised how many people buy microwave popcorn. First, it’s icky. Second, it makes your microwave icky. Thirdly, it’s expensive – like PopSecret Butter Popcorn is like $8.00 and you get like 4 cups of disgusting – and dairy and soy and. . .ick. In fact, it contains four “controversial” ingredients that somehow don’t exist in nature. WTF is that? Like someone is saying, “You know, I don’t think I am getting enough Propyl Gallate aka propyl 3,4,5-trihydroxybenzoat in my diet!”

If you didn't know anything about popcorn and someone shoved that in your face, you'd be all like. . .*yak*

My Presto PopLite Hot Air Popcorn Popper cost about $15 and with it I can make as much popcorn as I want which I buy in bulk at Whole Foods for a couple bucks - and it makes like a bazillion cups of popped popcorn that is a blank canvas for joy.

AKA: I can flavor it however I want.

Normally, I use a little coconut oil spray from Trader Joe's and salt but there is a whole salted-sweet trend going on and I am all for a little extra salt in my diet because my body expels it with gusto.

Prepare your favorite TV show, a bowl and your system for some salted-sweet junk food - Manda style!

What You Need

• Popcorn, popped: My Presto PopLite Hot Air Popcorn Popper says, “you can make 18 cups of tasty, nutritious low-calorie popcorn in just 2.5 minutes.” Which means I eat 18 cups of popcorn in a sitting. That seems normal. Anyhow, I just fill the little cup and however much popcorn that makes is how much I eat. 
• Maple Syrup: Get REAL syrup, people. Not that “Corn Syrup, high fructose corn syrup, water, cellulouse gum, caramel color, salt, natural and artificial flavor, sodium benzoate  and sorbic acid (preservatives) sodium hexametaphosphate syrup.” You will thank me. Real maple syrup has more flavor, a better sugar-sweetness and works better when you use it in cooking.
• Earth Balance Original Natural Buttery Spread: Yes, it has canola, which I can’t have a lot of. It’s not the best super-awesome thing because it’s processed and if you can use real butter, please do. 
• Salt: Salt. 
• Vanilla extract: Extract of vanilla.

What You Do
Make the popcorn, if you haven’t. While it’s being made - in my 2.5 minutes - I make my topping!

Take 3 tablespoons butter – or two huge soup spoons full – and melt it in a pan with 1/3 cup maple syrup and 1 teaspoon of vanilla. Don’t let it burn or boil or anything, just melt it all together so it’s all happily swimming around. Takes about two seconds – or something. You can add a little salt to it, but, I prefer to salt once it’s all mixed together. Or, maybe I forgot to add it. You don’t know me.

Pour the mixture over your popcorn, tossing the popcorn around a lot so it gets all evenly coated. I poured a little in and threw the popcorn around and then poured over a little more and bossed everything around again. . .you get the idea.

As an added bonus, if you are a disaster like me, you will probably find popcorn around for days which are a nice unexpected floor snack.

Salt lightly and continue to toss around the popcorn. If you are like some stay-at-home-perfecto Mom with your tastefully decorated trend-home and matched kitchen utensils, you could lay the popcorn out flat for it to dry and salt it then while your little blessings practice Mandarin or whatever. You probably have a special bowl for popcorn, don't you?

Or you could do what I do and just toss it around and then eat it. I don't wait.

If you like some diverse popcorn flavor, only use the syrup on half of the popcorn so it gets all gooy and totally covered and then add that back in with the rest of the popcorn so you have a texture change when you eat it.

You could even add nuts or cocoa. I don't tell you how to live.

I made this at night, so, it's bad lighting. But, trust me, this is super awesome.

Look, the popcorn is crowned with the glory of the angels!

Enjoy STFU about my dietary restrictions!

Smoothie Bar

I am sure this should be a "Things I Eat" situation, but, I have been getting a lot of questions - and comments - about me and my smoothies. My weirdly colored, everyday consuming smoothies. So, I'm making an entry!

Smoothies – the health trend of stability! Why eat your fruits and veggies, when you can drink them? Get horrible tasting veggies into you by masking them with fruits you don’t think are totally nasty!

I let people know my smoothies are things I like to consume and my body gives me all the good signals when I drink it – from tasting good to not turning my digestive tract into Satan’s dirty laundry basket.

Why I Drink Smoothies

S: It's great to see so many people detoxing and drinking smoothies.
A: This isn't a health trend, this is how I eat normally.

I started drinking smoothies a long time ago when I was having a lot of problem eating food. I actually started with a juicer and then ended up moving into using an emulsifier (I use a NutriBullet) because I wanted to eat all the good stuff, not extract only the liquid.

I continue to drink smoothies because they are really a delightful way to get a lot of good stuff in you. They are easy to transport, easy to make, cheap.. .all the things I like in life. I also can always get one down even when I am feeling sick, not hungry - all that jazz. I have never had a smoothie upset my tummy. That's for sure.

By the way, most smoothies don't look like Pintrest. Seriously. A good blend looks like mud or brown or bad. Maybe don't put it in a clear container - that'll help.

The Problems with Smoothies
The major problem with people and smoothies really doesn't have much to do with either. It has to do with the health industry

Yes, it's an industry designed to convince you of problems and provide magical solutions. It's the foundation for almost every industry.

The health industry pretty much owns a cut of every talk show and fake-doctor show. Sure, some of the advice is solid, but, if it was as easy as all these crash diets and using the word "detox" as much as possible. everyone would be happy.

The health industry is set up to make money which means it needs YOU, average human, to fail as much as possible.

And smoothies are a great way to do it.

Consuming Lies
Most smoothies out there are part of "detox diets." And lies.

First – you can “detox” by drinking something. Only two (arguably three) organs actually remove toxins – the kidney, liver and lungs. Your digestive tract is one long tube from mouth to anus that food slips down so your body can remove the stuff it wants. The remainder is poop – the stuff your body can’t use. Meanwhile, your kidney and liver are removing stuff in your blood that your body no longer needs – good or bad – they are filtering your blood. And your lungs are removing stuff your blood doesn't want through breathing. Let’s just remember that. . .kay?

Any person on TV or magazine or website tells you a smoothie will help you "detox" is feeding you a lie.

In fact, the word has lost all meaning.

While you can get super-benefits from eating more fruits and veggies, you need to consume a lot of them and over a long period of time. A lifestyle full of good, whole foods - filled with delicious fats, carbs, proteins, fibers and all that good stuff, that's the way to do it.

Not this detox drink some spinach and you won't get cancer nonsense. Seriously.

But They Work & Other Lies
No.

A lot of these diets where smoothies are a big part (because they probably get some type of money for promoting the blender) don't really work. They are set up to be crash diets. I had a few friends following some fake-doctor's plan and it came out to be a 7 day play in which you consume 1200 calories a day, all through smoothie blends.

Dude. 1200 calories a day? That's a "starvation" amount of calories. Just because someone who went to more school than you says it's "healthy" or "great" or "awesome" or twurks a couple times - doesn't mean that it's true.

It means this person is selling something. Mmkay?

Sure, you will lose something. Probably hope.

Listen, I live off smoothies. When someone says, oh, that seems like a lot I have to remind them, with fruits and veggies, then tend to be low calorie so you have to eat a lot more to get in the right amount of calories.

Four cups of spinach is 28 calories. Get it? Four cups of spinach is 28 calories. Get out a plate of it and it will look like a lot, but, it's not. It looks like even less when it's blended.

I see pictures of these smoothies, and I am surprised at the horribleness of the combo and then tiny amount of smoothie in the glass. One glass? I drink a huge mason jar of smoothie a day! I cram as much stuff in there as I can.

Don't consume lies. Consume good, nutritional dense food.

The Vile Smoothie
We all have different tastes, but, a lot of those fake-doctor diets and whatnot make you consume stuff that will make you hate smoothies forever. Orange and cucumber? Mint and orange? Eww, people. If you would not eat these flavors together in a dish, don't mix them together in a smoothie.

It's really just another way to make sure you disengage your own wonderful mind and fall into the darkness of the food industry hating things you might like, suffering with under 1200 calories a day and hating life.

You shouldn't hate life.

The Unhealthy Smoothie
Anything you buy at a stand or restaurant or in the store is pretty much junk. I don't care if the name of the company has the words "Natural" or "Good for you" or "Jesus" in the name. It's bad for you. I totally enjoy some Bolthouse Farms juice, I might add. I just know what I'm getting into when I do.

It’s also very easy to make a very unhealthy smoothie.

It’s like blended coffees – sounds like they are just chilled coffee – when they are basically sugary milkshakes. Nothing wrong with enjoy one here and there, but, it isn't particularly healthy. They are often are mostly made up of water and sweet fruit concentrate.

Even green items or “green smoothies” are not healthy even if they are green.

For example – the Jamba Juice Great Greens is made of mostly apple and cucumber juice. The green parts are four veggies blended together. So, really, if this is made up of four juices, the green part makes up 1/4th of the beverage and only ¼ of that fourth is one type of veggie. It might look green, but, it's not really that green.

At least there isn't a ton of sweetened dairy in there.

It takes a lot of green stuff to make something green. Like – a lot. Most of your packaged ones or one made at some juice bar are mostly apple or carrot juice because we have been taught to enjoy sugary-sweet things and that we will automatically hate things that are not sweet. Then they add in dyes so you think it's green and has a lot of plant matter in there.

The Healthy Smoothie
Why can’t simple greens be delicious? Every ponder that question? Well, if your body is use to always getting sweet fake things and processing those for energy – it might tell you veggies taste bad because it’s not use to it. Given time, your body will adjust to anything and start to tell you this is the way to live.

So, feed it veggies and stuff. It'll like it.

Or feed it a lot of fruits. Fruits are good. Stop listening to the health industry telling you from-the-earth foods are bad for you. They probably really aren't. Eat a lot of different foods, blend them together, live, enjoy!

How To Get Into Smoothies
When I first gave my man-hunk a drink of a spinach-strawberry blend, he did make the icky baby face. Now he enjoys them!

It was a massive reset to his taste buds because he never ate like that before. He tried again, and I made him better blends so he got use to them.

Maybe orange and banana is a better start than kale, spinach, swiss chard and a cucumber.

If you want to get into smoothies, start off with fruit - fruit is great for you! Try different blend of fruit and then add in some greens. I suggest starting with spinach as a green since the flavor blends well. Once that tastes good, move to something else to diversify. Even if you don't get all super advanced, it's fine - you are still doing good!

Sure, look up some recipes online but take your inspiration from foods you like to eat. If you like milkshakes, add in soaked medjool dates for healthy sweetness and some vanilla extract. Like chocolate, add in pure cocoa powder and a touch of maple syrup.

I find trying new things fun - and making things is fun. You can also check out the Internet. You might be surprised how your tastes change and how easy it will become to consume these things. You just have to give it a little time.

Then again, sometimes you have to be an adult. Understand as an adult you need to make decisions with long lasting benefits even if they suck to do for a bit. And also understand if you don’t like something, don’t force yourself into it, find another way. I can help you find the way – I hope.

How I Smoothie: Pack It In!
For a real smoothie, well, you have to drink A LOT. No one cup of something. You need to jam as much stuff in there as possible. If you are adding greens, you need to make sure you are adding a ton of it. A lot of recipes call for about a cup of spinach or kale or whatever. Dude. This is smoothie time, not wussy time.

This is how much spinach I pack down in my smoothie. It makes up more than half of the smoothie cup! It will reduce into just about nothing when blended. The US-whatever says you should have 2 cups or something of veggies a day to be healthy. This is what I eat.

On average, I use about 4 cups of spinach when I do use spinach. And I use it a lot. I pack it down. You got to load up on your fruits and veggies - and it's all ok! It's good for you. Don't be afraid to add in more of something.

Now, hold up smoothie people. Don't be all telling me about kale and all those other veggies. They are cool - it's cool - I just like my spinach.

Look, people, if you don’t eat a lot of the things you put into a smoothie, it will taste bad to you. I hate cucumbers. I’m sure they are great for you and all that. I hate the taste and smell. I don’t like body products with it and if a cucumber has touched anything I am about to eat, I don’t eat it because I can freaking taste the cucumber.

Cucumber even sounds bad. Qu-Cum-Ber. Like. .maybe I’ll insult someone I don’t like by saying s/he is a “cucumber.” Nasty.

Then again, the health industry needs you to continually fail in order to make money. Stop failing by applying your brain! If you love carrots, use carrots. If you love grapes, use grapes. If you love kale, use kale.

Life is simple.

What I Have Put Into Smoothies
Sure, fruits and veggies. BUT you can do a lot more! People are shocked (for some reason) at the items I blend together. I don't really go with the health industry flow.

Why not spices you like? Ginger, thyme, basil or even pumpkin pie spice. Did you  know some spinach, blueberries, pumpkin pie spice, dates and water tastes like a pumpkin pie? What flavors do you like? Curry? Cilantro? Blend it up!

Why not put in some sorbet? Maybe some mango sorbet? Some instant coffee? There is no limit! Here is a list of things I have smoothed - recently, too!

• Almond milk
• Almonds
• Apple
• Banana
• Basil
• Blackberries
• Blueberries
• Brown sugar
• Buckwheat groats
• Butternut squash
• Cashews
• Cardamom
• Celery
• Cherries
• Chia seeds
• Cinnamon
• Coffee
• Cocoa powder
• Coconut flakes
• Coconut milk
• Coconut oil
• Dates
• Flaxseed (ground)
• Jam (a friend makes it herself!)
• Garlic
• Ginger
• Grapes
• Green onions
• Honey
• Instant coffee
• Lemonade
• Mango
• Mango sorbet
• Maple syrup
• Nutmeg
• Oatmeal
• Orange
• Peaches
• Peanut butter
• Pears
• Pecans
• Peppers
• Pine nuts
• Plums
• Plums
• Protein (vegan) powder
• Pumpkin
• Pumpkin pie spice
• Raspberries
• Salsa
• Salt
• Sesame oil
• Spinach
• Strawberries
• Sunflower nut butter
• Sunflower seeds
• Sweet potato
• Tomato
• Vanilla extract
• Walnuts
• Water
• Watermelon
• Zucchini 

What I Don’t Use
Obviously, nothing I’m sensitive to like dairy or nutritional yeast or cranberries or cherries. These aren't bad things for someone else to use, but, I get by just find without them. I do encourage people to step away from dairy because a lot of it has a lot of added sugar and weird junk.

There is a lack of non-dairy milks in most of my blends - unless it's a special treat.

I don’t drink milk but I also don’t have that function in my head that tells me I need to substitute milk for a non-dairy milk.

Do you get that? The health industry wants to make you sub out one thing for another to keep you failing. You can probably do without it. But, then they can't scare you later or tell you that there is something better.

I don’t use non-dairy milk as a sugar to pour over veggies to mask them. I just use water. Water is free and it stays fresh longer. Non-dairy milks are expensive and processed and something I’m like, eww. I don't really use enough to make it worthwhile to buy it. It'll go back. I hate wasting good.

I also don’t always use fresh things. I use frozen a good amount of the time because it keeps longer. Some people only want to use fresh stuff – that’s great. I’m lazy and I don’t like food to rot if I decide not to eat on a certain day.

I would encourage you to stay way from frozen leafy veggies, though. Just. . .it doesn't work.

Recipes
Recipe? That doesn't sound like me. But, since I do get asked, here is a list of some of my more popular
blends for your eye and mouth consumption. All measurements are approximate I do know I cram things into my NutriBullet beyond what the instructions call for.

I find a lot of people take something like spinach and use a handful when I easily consume over 1lbs of spinach every 5 days. 1lbs of spinach is about 6 cups, so, I eat about 2 cups of spinach a day in my smoothie.

I also tend to throw in things I have more so than follow a strict recipe.

I find a lot of my blends taste like pies or treats. If not, I drink them anyway.

Daily Blend	Milkshake Blend	Raspberry Latte Blend
4 cups spinach ½ cup frozen berry blend ¼ cup ground flaxseed ¼ cup black chia seeds Topped with buckwheat groats	4 cups spinach ½ cup dates (soaked overnight) 1 cup strawberries ¼ black chia seeds Cinnamon	Fresh/frozen raspberries Vanilla almond milk 2 tablespoons instant coffee
Strawberry Pie Blend	Bruschetta	Too Sweet for Me
2 cups strawberries 4 cups spinach ¼ cup flaxseed Handful of walnuts	2 tomatoes Handful walnuts Garlic (puree or dried) Basil oil (or leaves) 4 cups spinach	1 cup frozen mango chunks 4 cups spinach ¼ cup ground flaxseed
Cocktail Hour	Pumpkin Pie	High Fat Blend
Lemonade (as liquid) Basil Ginger (puree) Spinach	2 cups spinach Pumpkin puree Handful of walnuts Nutmeg Cinnamon	1 avacado Spinach Coconut oil 1/3 cup cocoa powder Cinnamon Vanilla extract

Tricks and Tips
The most major things to know - Start slow! Don’t leap into a pure green mix unless you normally eat that stuff – it will taste horrible and you will never want to do this again.

Start with your milks and apples, carrots, pineapple – then slowly change the balance toward more green stuff. I always suggest starting with spinach before trying kale or swiss chard. I don’t actually use kale or swiss chard. . .because I’m lazy.

Think about the stuff you like to eat and start making a smoothie there. It's a leap for some people to move from consuming to tasting. The more smoothies you drink, the more you even think about food in combinations that you like, the more you will taste it. And probably, the better choices you will make because food that is simple is delicious.

Here are a couple things I have learned:

• Dates made everything sweeter than sugar. 
• Chia seeds thicken up your smoothie – like a milkshake
• Spinach blends with everything – it’s the most forgiving of the greens
• Flaxseed adds a nutty flavor – like a pie crust
• Frozen fruit makes the smoothie an icky color – blueberry, blackberry don’t get turned off by color
• Concord grapes are flavor dominators – they mask anything
• Use spices you like instead of sugar for nice kicks

Also, as a note, don’t be afraid of sugar. I know people are like, “raisins are good, but, so high in sugar!” If you are going to get a lot of sugar in you – and sugar is something you body likes – get it through eating fruits.

Fruits are sweet and taste good to us for a reason.

Thoughts
Yep, that's about what my brain came up with about smoothies. Feel free to contact me for other information or your thoughts. Or leave me a comment.

Things I Eat: Avo-colate Pudding

*I don't really eat chocolate because I don't like it. But, I do make this.

Apparently, people like chocolate. I have studied this phenomenon from afar for many years after having been subjected to it on August 31, 1981. I promptly spit it out only to be faced with having to consume additional pieces – I spit these out as well.

Life lesson, food should be nutritious and delicious – with occasional bouts of fun! While I don’t like chocolate, I certainly understand others do! And I can actually eat this, so, in a pinch, it’s a decent snack.

I actually make this for my lover and he finally decided it was ok to eat it for breakfast. So much better than that process, baked cereal you all seem to be addicted to.

Here is a recipe for some super healthy chocolate pudding! Don’t get worried.

What You Need:

• 2 ripe avocados: You have some unripe ‘cados and impatience? Cut them open, take out the seed and nuke in the microwave for about 30 seconds and it will soften right up for you
• 2 tablespoons coconut oil: Sure, you can use another oil, but, let’s get real about life - coconut oil is the bomb and also adds a nice sweetness.
• 3 dates soaked in warm water for 15 minutes and chopped: Soaking them makes them softer, if they are already soft, no worries! Make sure if you do soak them in a bit of water to throw some of that water into the blend.
• 1/2 cup cocoa powder: If it doesn’t get everywhere, we can’t be friends
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract: Don’t drink it.
• 1/2 to 1 cup non-dairy milk (almond, is my suggestion) or milk if you roll that way. I actually used water.
• Optional – you can do honey or some type of additional sweetener. I used a pinch of espresso cane sugar because coffee and chocolate are friends. Some people use 1/3 cup honey or maple syrup – I’m not going to tell you how to live.

What You Do:

• Add ingredients to a blender or food processor in this order or you will summon Lucifer from the underworld: Coconut oil, dates, vanilla, a little of your milk/water, avocado, cocoa powder.
• Blend until smooth, about 2-3 minutes – it should be very thick but you shouldn’t see as many green bits. Add in more of your milk/water to create a consistency you like. I will thicken a lot in the fridge, by the way, so don’t worry about consistency too much at this step.
• Chill! No, like chill the pudding in your refrigerator. 
• Take out of fridge (I have no concept of time, maybe 30 minutes? How cold is your fridge?) and add a little more milk/water until it is the consistence you want. Mine came out like frosting, so, I thinned it out a lot.  Add any toppings – coconut shreds, walnuts, whatever!
• Enjoy. 

You: Maddy, I heard things like avocado and coconut oil are high in fat. Conventional wisdom says we should eat a low-carb, low-fat, low-calorie, sugar-free, factory-processed diet based on diet soda and snack-paks instead of a variety of delicious, nutritional dense whole foods in a form that is close to the way nature and God created them. Is this mixture really good for me to eat?
Me: Shut the front door! High quality fat, like high quality food, is what our bodies crave for cell maintenance and energy not to mention vitamins and minerals! Why do you think it tastes so good? Avocado, the bases of this food, is loaded with awesome fats that lower cholesterol, boost your fiber intake and supply you with vitamin K, B9, B6, B5, C, & E2. Coconut oil is 90% fat – 90% awesome! Those medium chain triglycerides mean your body will be fueled with magic power because it’s easy to digest and convert into energy. Almost 50% of the fat in coconut oil actually kills bacteria, viruses and fungi in your gut that cause problems. And it’s delicious and you can slather it on your skin and hair as a beauty treatment. Try to get that from your Yoplait Greek Yorgut’s modified corn starch and malic acid and that Special K’s bar partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil and Polysorbate 60. Ew!
You: I don’t know, I have climbed Mount Everest but avocado is green and that’s scary.
Me: I don’t like chocolate either, it’s cool.
You: Wait, chocolate? *nomnomnom*

Image Credits
Chocolate from www.airpacinc.com
Pudding image from healthforthewholeself.com

General Updates of the Happenin’s and Goin’s On

What's new and exciting? Well. .I can tell you want's happening with me. That's probably the sum total of the entertainment I can offer.

Married
Unless someone tells me otherwise, the wedding seems to have worked and I am married.

The wedding was fine. I mean, when you are the people getting married, I don’t think you can enjoy it the same way a guest can. I heard good things.

Even though it is typical for people and the industry to say, "The wedding is about YOU" it's about the family. Honestly, if I had my "dream wedding" it would probably involve more eloping and less fuss and strange traditions.

I did do a couple odd traditions which people seemed to be happy to witness. I did realize as I was talking to the photographer and explaining how I was "quirky" that nothing about the world he was documenting was quirky. It was pretty stereotypical and traditional.

And, I did want it that way. I wanted that way because it made my guest comfortable and happy.

Some of the things I did do which I felt were insanely awkward or a little strange or nice but. . .not really the norm. IDK.

The Dress
Yes, I wore a white wedding dress. I was told I had to do this. First, Bob, the current husband, wanted it very badly. At least he said it was important to him. Everyone else mocked me and looked at me as if I grew another head because I wanted to wear a blush dress or a dress with some color. I don't normally wear white.

I did like my dress. It's the Allure 2600. I loved the lace. It was a Victorian like lace, not all flowers and whatnot. It reminded me of the starting of art deco - it was probably actually more Edwardian. Anyhow, it stretched a lot and I have a strong feeling I will look fat in a lot of pictures. It didn't fit too well across my hips, I thought. Whatever, everyone says a bride is beautiful. I did notice the fit before. . .I didn't say anything. My bad.

I probably should have got the photographer to get a picture of the lacework. But, then again, I can always look up stuff on the Internet. What good is a picture of lace? I do think after the wedding the dress gets encased in a sarcophagus of preservation never to be touched, seen or spoken of again.

Unless children are mentioned. In which case, the dress should somehow end up with children. IDK. It's a dress. I was going to cut it short and wear it on my anniversary. All my aunts were horrified at daring to deface the virginal cloth or use it for anything else but a closet stuffer.

Look - I'm not weird. These are all valid points.

The Ceremony
It went well. I laughed once when my cousin had to read Song of Songs:

Hark! my lover—here he comes springing across the
mountains, leaping across the hills.
My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag. . 

Bob did step on my train once and I almost fell over. That was also exciting. Otherwise, seemed like a good time. We were all married!

Notice how Bob looks like a more-handsome James Bond and I am funny. I mean, no one will find this picture that funny. Other than people who say it looks like me.

It totally does.

Dancing
The first dance - Keep in mind, the sum total of my dance moves are:

• O--/--<
• O--\--<
• O--/--<
• (repeat)

I had a first dance with my husband - because that's somehow. . .important to people to see? I really have no idea. We also did the parent-child dance, together, where I danced with my father and Bob danced with his mother. His mother cried. My dad and I talked about when I was going to come over to do laundry.

I mean, you gotta use what time you have.

I didn't get to do much other dancing because we were talking to people and taking photos and all that. I did discover that my dance moves are best without music. I'm a fidgety person so that's really were I get most of my inspiration.

I attempted to dance with Melissa (from Texts with Melissa)'s dad. He can dance. I stood there awkwardly in formal-wear. It's hard to move in formal-wear.

Cutting of Ceremonial Pastry
I didn't really want to have a wedding cake but it was pretty important to Bob to have one and to cut it. I really, really don't understand the cake thing. I can't eat a lot of cake, and even this delicious creation from Sweet Freedom Bakery is not really good for me to eat. It contains bean flour. It is delicious and all that. You can see my review post called Things I Eat: Sweet Freedom Bakery where I write about them.

The official cutting of the ceremonially pasty - yep, that was. . .great. I now have 50lbs of ceremonially pastry. I learned from eating my birthday cake the downfalls of eating an entire cake in one sitting. Without a fork.

Seriously - do you want some wedding cake? No one really wants it because it's "vegan" and all that. People think it's bad. It is dense. And my friend who I was giving cake too decided he didn't like the aftertaste of the different flour.

Free cake!

Photography
I enjoyed my photographers - Daniel Fullam and Michael Handwerk who served as Dan's second guy. I think if I had been more "bride-ish" I would have given more direction about exact photos I wanted. I guess I really didn't want anything. Does that make sense?

I mean, I wanted some nice pictures. I don't photograph well. And I don't stage well. I know brides are suppose to want photos of someone helping them in a dress and getting ready. I just didn't want to be late and I got into my dress on my own.

I would have liked to get more pictures of the bridal party, but, people were drunk so there was no way to manage that.

I mean, I never had a photographer before. Maybe it was suppose to be a little awkward?

I hired Dan because he was more of a photojournalist. Just document the day. I might forget all about it. I mean, I wasn't really involved in the day - I was talking about the honeymoon every 10 minutes and the location. I don't know what actually happened at the wedding. I'm sort of looking forward to that.

Comments and Questions
Odd surprises from the peanut gallery after being married, oh, IDK, like five days:

When parking my car at my apartment:

D: Didn’t you get married?
M: I did, on Friday.
D: What are you doing here?
M: I live here. 

When arriving at work:

T: Didn't you get married?
M: I did, on Friday.
T: What are you doing here?
M: I work here. 

Well, five days into this thing. Marriage seems pretty easy.

Adrenals
Under control - true story! Things are going much better. I avoided some panic when I remind myself a strapless dress is fitted pretty tightly on the rib cage and that reduces the ability to draw in a full breath. You know. .after you have been climbing up and down stairs. I did feel it at the end of the wedding. I was afraid it would trigger some neuropathy but it didn't.

Currently, I only have some minor rib cage pain. So, things are back to the normal. I am happy to get back to eating my normal food for a little bit. We are going on a flitterwocken (honeymoon) but since we are driving, I think I can get myself some Manda-compliant food and keep my inners happy.

Otherwise, recovery has been good. I have lost a good amount of weight but I got rid of the fungal infection in my gut so I should be able to get back those pounds and reduce my bloat.

So, needless to say, I have been a little busy so this entry is not all sparkles and gumdrops. In fact, the next few probably won’t be, either. Let’s face it.

And now I’m hungry.

#busy

BBL

Gettin' married - BBL!

Yep! That happened on 11/11/2013 and on 10/10/2014, we're signing the paperwork. . and. .having a party.

I Just Witnessed a Unicorn

I was sitting around with this married with child couple I didn't really know at a party and they knew I was getting married. This is an especially hard thing for me because most of the stuff people seem to care about when it comes to wedding and marriage, I care very little about.

Of course, the dreaded question came up - the question that insults, judges and details logic in about six word.

This is what happened:

Him: Are you going to have kids?
Me: No.
Him: That’s cool.
Her: Yeah.

My mind is utterly blown.

I never have encountered anyone who learned I was getting married who didn't

1. Ask if we were going to have kids
2. Look at me in horror when I say “no” 
3. Launch into long diatribes of the joys of children, the never-knows of life and/or the affects of loneliness and bitterness in old age.
4. (Optional) Try to make me say I would have an abortion if, you know, something "happened"

I heard that these types of interactions happen in life, but, I have never witnessed or known it to happen to anyone. If I had the sense - the mental ability at the time - I would have recorded this moment and it would have looked like this.

Image from: zombiefun.com

Things I Eat: Soba, Zuchinni & Sweet Potato

It's a soba kind of day. Fall is here - even though we have some days that seem a little too hot for me - and Mr. Lucky didn't really feel like getting up. I can't blame him. I mean, who doesn't like to be curled up under the covers with just a nose sticking out so you can still get a nice, cool breath of air?

No one, that's who.

For my birthday, a friend got me two packages of Hakubaku soba noodles. I have a package of the soba (which is 3% buckwheat) and a package of the udon (which is all wheat).I will have to make the udon for someone else and probably will only make one serving of the soba for myself.

The good and the bad is that both packages contain wheat - which I have to avoid. It's a little harder to find 100% buckwheat noodles - and they are grayish when cooked and much more intense in taste.

The good news is I can tolerate wheat but not everyday and not a lot all at once. So, I made myself some. I will probably feed the rest to my hot future husband.

But wait. .let's talk soba!

Soba Noodles
Soba noodles are noodles made from buckwheat and sometimes buckwheat and wheat - the word "soba" is Japanese for buckwheat ("udon" mean wheat). The Japanese language is far more efficient and probably more correct in their naming of things. Buckwheat is not actually wheat - it's a fruit - so it's gluten free and, well, vegan and all that. While I love my rice noodles, I like to keep my diet as diverse as possible.

These noodles are nutty and often used in Asian dishes.

As a warning, soba noodles can be expensive and if you are avoiding wheat, make sure to check to make sure they don't have wheat flour. Just look for what brand is more expensive because buckwheat flour is hard to make into noodles. Paying for labor - probably worth it.

If you never had buckwheat – by the way. It does have a distinctive taste. It’s very healthy but it’s a very unique taste. To me, it reminds me of pancakes. To other people, it reminds them of ear wax infections. I’m just saying. It’s like sushi or coffee – it can be an acquired taste. I suggest trying a mix of buckwheat and wheat your first time around – the color is less horrifying and the taste is more mild. Like coffee, sushi and other items, it can be an acquired taste.

What You Need

• Soba noodles - If you never had buckwheat, stick with a blend of buckwheat and wheat. If you get the brand I have, there are three pre-measured servings inside. I made one grouping.
• 1 large sweet potato: Who doesn't need some sweet tater love?
• 1/2 large onion: I actually cried tears of syn-propanethial S-oxide, it was so beautiful
• 1 zucchini: Zuke, zuke - waka-waka!
• Garlic powder: I got a new container this week. I was wondering why it wasn't sprinkling until I found I hadn't removed the safety seal. 
• Trader Joe's Coconut Spray: What could be better? Other than drinking the coconut oil out of a jar?
• Spinach: Just raw, at the end of the adventure. I love me my spinach.
• Sesame oil: To taste!
• Garlic oil: Taste is king.
• Olive oil: Because I. . .felt like it. 

What You Do

Simple, pimple!

Chop up your sweet potato, zuchnini and onion. If you have kids, make them do it. It cuts down on the hassle and allows you to make yourself a delightful drink. Bourbon, anyone?

Seriously, get your kids into the kitchen learning prep work and whatnot. Sure, they are going to burn themselves and cut themselves, so, teach them how to prevent that and then buy some gauz. Gotta teach them how to make food or they will die. Alone.

I am a little low on other veggies - you could add in any other veggies you would like. Maybe you could saute up some mushrooms or something. Or use red bliss potatoes with the sweet potato. Maybe some carrot.

Anyhow, I put everything on a baking sheet (line that thing with tin foil to make clean up less icky) and then spray everything with a nice coating of the coconut spray and a bit of garlic powder and maybe salt and pepper.

Sure, you could just toss it all with olive oil if you wanted. I'm not going to tell you how to live, but, I will tell you cool people use coconut oil. Fat is the new black. Don't believe me, spray a veggie with some coconut oil and eat it. Delicious.

Pop this glorious thing into the oven at about 450 degrees for about 35 minutes.

I sort of didn't warm up my oven and it's anyone's guess how hot is actually is at any given time. I think if you have a real, working oven that wasn't discontinued in the 1940s you probably can get away with 20-25 minutes.

Whatever, it's roasting veggies which should fill your heart with joy and your kitchen with delightful smells.

Now, the soba noodles take about 4 minutes to cook. So, when you are about 10 minutes from your oven timer going off, you can put a pot of water on the stove and boil it up to make the soba. It's pretty easy to make them. Boil water - drop in - cook for 4 minutes - drain them. Done.

Maybe steal a few. I actually ate a lot of the sweet potato when I was cutting them up, so, I evened out the noodle situation.

Take out your veggies and mix them up in a bowl with a drizzle of sesame oil and garlic oil. You can use some olive oil, too. You just want a little flavor and a little coating to make everything move around all happy together. Add in your noodles in hunks and mix so everything gets nice and coated.

Get a bowl - rip up some spinach and add your warm stuff in there. Taste and add a little more salt or whatever you want. You can add more spinach to the top or. . not.

What did it taste like? The sweet potato was very tender and starting to fall apart. Really, you need to eat more sweet potato. The zuke is like nothing but added a little pop of freshness with the strands of roasted onion. The spinach added such a raw texture and the noddles just sucked up the garlic and sesame and. .we're just noodle-rrific!

You won't regret this! And it's really pretty healthy for you - I plugged it into this Recipe Calculator I use and came up with the following report (based in witchcraft):

• The whole thing is about 400 calories (Don't share!! I ate it all)
• No cholesterol
• Low in sodium
• High in manganese
• Very high in vitamin A
• Very high in vitamin B6
• Very high in vitamin C

What did it look like? Well, I'm no photographer, but, I took a picture of each bowl I ate. I wish you could see more of the zuke, but, it's in there - it blends with the spinach.

Bowl 1:

Bowl 2:

Bowl 3:

Eat up, my friends!

Texts With Melissa: Privilege & Fear

Time for another Texts With Melissa! She's such a good sport! This text exchange is us pondering the elements and introspective details of the corporate environment.

Let's dig deeper -